Every adventure needs a soundtrack

Just a note

2011-11-08T15:52:00.000-06:00

Just a note before I run off to a hockey game.

When autum comes calling, it's easy to see the beauty of death, because we scarcely see leves changing color as dying.

Security and moving vans

2011-11-06T14:27:00.002-06:00

I've got one more trip back to St. Louis before I'm officially out of the town. It's a terrifying and exciting feeling, but it becomes more and more apparent to me that a house isn't much of a home when there's no one there. So since the rest of my family has left, it's surprisingly alright for me to be on my way out the door as well.

And considering that upon returning to Tulsa with the vast majority of my belongings we were hit with a 5.8 earthquake, I might just like the feeling of having a little bit more security than the accepting pillow of my best friends couch.

A little short of crazy

2011-10-25T15:59:00.000-05:00

Well, this month has been nothing short of crazy: the slowest move ever, the hunt for a real job, the hunt for part time jobs which pay bills in the mean time, the loss of two dogs, the announcement of an engagement, the visitation of old friends and the discovery of what family is and who it is, and fully understanding what makes a person who they are.

The emotional toll of all of this is enough to leave one willing to find a quiet day and not do anything but breathe. That's not really an option when every time you turn around a friend is harping at you about a book you planned to self-publish over a year ago and just can't be bothered to finish. What can I say? I've been distracted. I have a few hours down, I just want to cook and find a way to go enjoy some free art, is that a crime? No. Well, then the book will just have to wait. Then it will wait for me to finish reading the criticism of Chaucer's work too. Then it will wait for me to spend a few weeks finding a new favorite coffee house. And... now I'm just procrastinating. It's what writers and want to be writers do best.

Ultimately, what I've taken from this month, aside from the fact that I seem to be much more lethargic than I previously thought, is that family is what it is, but that you get to decide how you want to respond to family and what boundaries you want to place on them. It's an important lesson. One I hope to master soon.

On the verge

2011-09-14T23:21:00.000-05:00

I've got two days left at my current job. It's a strange feeling. Every other time I've left a job for a new adventure I've felt a bit of trepidation about the new job or the commitment that comes with it. In fact, when I took the job I currently have, I recall actually freaking out in a QT gas station because I figured this was it. I was locked in for at least five years and I would likely retire with this job... or so I thought.

Now 2years and 9months later, I'm rolling out to Tulsa and while I'm probably the least prepared for this adventure than I ever have been before, I'm feeling excited about strolling out of this job and this city.

It's odd to look around my house and know that my days here are numbered (3 days!) and that when I leave I'm not coming back. Ever. There are moments when I want to lay on the floor in every room and soak it in, try to absorb it and all of it's memories before I got, but then I remember that I didn't forget the house when I went to college. And who I knew and what I did while here don't fade away just because I'm going some place else. If we spend our lives longing for the joy of yesterday, we never really enjoy today, and we'll never really see tomorrow.

Song for the day (and the move): Wild World - Cat Stevens
When I was 12 riding in my father's Mazda to my 7th grade parent teacher conferences, Wild World played on the radio. Papa sang along, like we usually did, and in between the first two verses, he paused to tell me that this was his song for me. Some day, he said, I'd move, I'd get married or I'd go off to college and settle down somewhere else, and it'd break his heart, but that was ok because that's what little girls are supposed to do. When we got to the school, I couldn't manage to get my door open. Prompting my dad to tell me "I don't have high hopes for these conferences. You have to be smarter than the door."

Boxes and the Doctor

2011-08-19T22:26:00.000-05:00

This is going to be one interesting weekend.
I'm spending it doing the preliminary move of my Mom's stuff to her new home and sorting out the loose ends of who's taking what out of the house I grew up in. It's a bit overwhelming. But mostly, what we're finding is that when we seperate everyone else's stuff from our own, it's not that much and we've got it well under control. But every time things seem like they're settled and all that's left is to grab the box and roll, someone breaks down in tears.

It is after all the house that's been home for 25 years. When we walk out of the house in September, it will be the last time we live there. It will be the last time it is our home, and that seems a bit daunting.

Still, it's all good. We're taking the memories with us, and we'll be able to enjoy Doctor Who quotes and soundtracks as we pack up and move. It's times like these that I wish we had a TARDIS.

Song of the day: Doctor Who- Vale Decem
By the way, Doctor Who is back August 27th at 9/8c on BBCAmerica! Watch it!

Fairy Tale Endings Are Lies

2011-08-13T23:51:00.000-05:00

When I was a little girl
Europe was the home of fairy tales
Germany was home to magical monsters and witches who eat kids
France was home to princesses and maternal geese
Sweden was home to elves, Middle Earth and epic fights
England was home to would-be-kings and knights.

When I was a teenager
Europe was the home of enlightenment and growth
Germany was home to Einstein and Kessler
France was home to Pasteur and Curie
Sweden was home to social realism
England was home to the words that untied me to them

When I grew up
Europe was just like America.
We've failed to teach our youth the value of our home,
We chase down rioters and anonymous hackers
We let loose well dressed villains
While we pay off bankers and news corps with millions.

Combat Boots

2011-08-13T17:06:00.003-05:00

When I was eleven, I wore combat boots, legitimate Navy issue Shore Duty combat boots. Lord knows where they came from, but none the less they were mine. I used to wear those boots with torn jeans (they weren't bought that way and I've forgotten how many times my parents tried to throw them out but I know I retrieved them from the trash can more than five times) and a Air Force field jacket, which came from my dad.

It's hard to know how I changed from that stubborn, confident, dissident child to this run of the mill milk toast woman longing for approval from random strangers on social networking sites. I'm sure that it wasn't a specific moment. I'm sure it was a slowly lost battle with my mother and society about what a woman is supposed to be and do and wear. I know it happened in college and came with the desire to be accepted by someone who had no idea who I was until after I opened my mouth (and as fast as my pen moves, my brain finds sarcasm and wit slowly when impressions are to be made). It was self preservation at the cost of self.

Looking back now, knowing what the world is and the battles to be fought, I miss the girl with the field jacket and combat boots. They are tools much better suited for the world of adults.

Song for the day: http://www.thesixtyone.com/#/s/azGPSYWEo5p/

webcomics

2011-08-10T23:40:00.000-05:00

It's so not fair. I can't update the blog from work and when I get home I'm lost in a sea of news briefs and web comics. I try to balance the crap with some smiles!

In other news it looks like reasonable housing with permissions for the dogs and Tobin is to be had in Ok. What's yet to be seen is why I don't seem to get the call back for any job.

I'm off to bed before I get stuck in another comic.

So... there's that...

2011-08-03T21:38:00.002-05:00

There goes yet another attempt to consistently do much of anything every day for a month. But in it's place I'm inserting exercise. It's an insane 90 degrees here at night. I think it wouldn't suck so much if I didn't have a layer of blubber to carry around with me, so hello again Richard Simmons, I haven't even forgotten the dance moves.

How are you... really?

2011-07-31T21:49:00.001-05:00

Oh what I would give if someone would ask me how I am today. But not in the way that we ask anyone we meet on any given day. I want them to ask me with the same sad bewildered eyes that they asked me with six months ago, meaning what they meant six months ago, when "how are you doing?" turned in to "how are you holding up?". If someone would look at me and know now that asking me that same question could give them two very different possible answers, each as likely as the other, I would give them an honest answer today.

The answer was always "I'm alright." It always is, you know. If they're not 'alright', you don't see them. They don't see the light of day, they don't answer phones, they don't come in to work. If they've gathered themselves up enough to make it out to where you can ask them that question, they give you a default answer so they don't have to tell you the truth or risk a conversation about how it happened. Never has a co-worker asked a colleague how they were holding up after bereavement leave and gotten a blank stare from blood shot eyes and tear stained cheeks. If we've made it in to work, we're not going to fall apart now.

But now, six months later, someone asking me that question is all I need, some one really asking me that question. I'm all right. Life is a mess. Relationships are brutal and strenuous. I have no idea how crying on my co-worker didn't make our relationship awkward as the waiting room for hell, but I'm so thankful it didn't, and I know I can't tell him that or it would be. I'm constantly torn between wanting to live a better life and just enjoying what I have here and now, and overall, I'm alright. I'm laughing again and not feeling too guilty about it.

I want them to ask me again, with that same concerned half pitying look, because my loss isn't any less today than it was then, but now I can give them an honest answer and I want to rejoice for that.

Fur coat + 100 degree days = more panting

2011-07-30T22:33:00.000-05:00

My dogs would love to be shaved right now. Well... they'd love the effects of being shaved, although the act of shaving them would cause them to run and hide under tables and pee on me when I try to get them out. Every summer is a bit of the same. About the time we hear the sound of George's panting over the sound of the fan, we grab the scissors and coax him on to the floor in the living room where he is given the worst hair cut for a collie ever. He's had that cut twice this year, and even still he doesn't want to stay out side until 11 pm when the temperature drops ten degrees and we see double digits again. He's staring at me now, he feels uniquely positioned to lament about the heat, and the fact that it's kept him and me copped up for the last three weeks.

I find myself longing for the rain, and hoping and feeling in my bones that when it does rain again (and my grass remembers how to grow) it's going to be one hell of a storm.

Until then, I've got the scissors, and George is headed for the table....

Space to work

2011-07-24T22:46:00.000-05:00

I've found over the last few weeks that my brain wants to write. Oh I've had lines and paragraphs running full speed through my punctuated thoughts. However, I haven't written a single word. I don't have the pen at the time, or the desire when I have the pen.

So I'm carving out a space in my day to write, and force myself to write. Every day one blog and one poem. Let's see if I can pull this off for a month. :)

Well, that's different

2011-05-07T19:39:00.001-05:00

It's amazing how much can change in a week. Even more amazing how much can change in an afternoon. The short statement of what you're thinking and what you're feeling can, and sometimes, does change irreparably the course of relationships. Sometimes that change can, and does, change the course of your plans for life.

After 3 months of feeling like I was unravelling, one afternoon, one statement - repressed and abridged - may have completely changed the relational balance of my family. The saddest thing is that because it was never expounded upon, the person who's most upset by it doesn't have the full understanding of why I feel the way I do, and another person doesn't realize they play a huge part in it.

Bridges of stone may not be able to be burned, but they can explode. I think this is the beginning of an explosion and the reduction of one bridge to a rope bridge.

It's taken me a long time -too long really- to understand, but I think Tim might have been right. 400 miles is about the best distance from this place. 400 miles might just be the distance I need to start healing from wounds I don't even want to look at, yet alone dress, treat and heal.

Maybe someday before too much time has passed we'll all be able to sit down and be civil and be friends again. But I don't think we're sitting down for dinner anytime soon.

Song for the day: Fleetwood Mac "Dreams"

Head up and march

2011-03-01T23:33:00.000-06:00

I'm deciding - at least for this week- to find some reason to smile and put my head up and carry on. I have a knack for finding ways to fall apart, and perhaps, it's time to try to glue it all back together. I mean if nothing else, Dad taught me to laugh when life hands you lemons, because who gives lemons as a gift?

Well, that sucks.

2011-02-12T12:00:00.000-06:00

I'm flying to Tulsa this weekend. I'm going to get out of the house, not do any work, and potentially see a few friends in the process who will make this month suck a lot less.

That is... if I manage to not miss my flight. Which I wasn't able to do this morning. Oh, if I had been all of a minute earlier, I'd have made it. But nope. Apparently, a 10:50 flight can depart at 10:47 and still be on time, and I would not be there.

Rebooking was quick and easy and so long as I don't do it again, I'll make it in to Tulsa at 4... only 4 hours late. Somehow, that's fitting for me and my flights to T-town. I always manage to be 4 hours later than I wanted to be.

Until then, I'm rocking out to John Prine in an airport. which is terribly ironic.

The Silence...

2011-02-01T01:12:00.000-06:00

Andrew Belle - Make It Without You

Silence terrifies me. Seriously, and absolutely terrifies. I can not, for the life of me, think of a time when I have been surrounded by silence. If I found myself in the house alone with the t.v.s miraculously off, I would hear the sound of the dogs or I would quickly break out my walkman/iPod/radio and put something on. If somehow I wound up awake when the rest of the family was a sleep, I'd hear the steady off-beat snores from everyone in the house. If I found myself in the middle of a glen in the woods surrounded by no one I'd hear the life and the wind around me. In a car with no radio, I'd hear the hum of the road and the roar of the engine. Even in my solitude there has always been sound.

Until this past week.

My father was the ultimate champion of a game without a name, a game we referred to as "Name the Artist." And that was the game. Walk in to a store, catch a commercial, turn on the radio and 95% of the time Dad would look at the people he was with, pick the person he thought was least likely to get it right and pose the question as a challenge. "Name the artist."

By the time I was 15, I was right the vast majority of the time. The last five years, I've been right so often my Dad stopped asking as a challenge but as an opening to a conversation to talk about music as it was, what it turned in to and who or what could save it. (He didn't have high hopes, and all of my offerings fell short... but then what can a 20 something pop hipster say to a 50 something rocker that's meaningful?) To know enough of music to win at this game that often, I've spent the majority of my life with a radio on, my nose in a music magazine, or watching music documentaries.

So when he passed, I wracked my brain for an appropriate song to be the first song I heard to try to fill the void he left. He was forever talking about the lasting power of classical music, he loved the Eagles, Dan Folgerberg, Pink Floyd and Supertramp, his song for me was by Cat Stevens, I've got a slew of favorite bands who all have fitting songs about loss. I was wracking my brain for the one that was just right. I couldn't come up with it in the time it took to get from the hospital room to the car. I couldn't come up with it for at least a solid 24 hours. Somehow, my never silent family managed to not play the radio or sing until a day or two later when we went shopping and finally turned on the radio.

The rest of the week was rather the same. Periods of silence punctuated by ill-fitting songs and stories.
I've never been afraid of turning on the radio, I've never been afraid of having a song that didn't fit get stuck in my head. I've never embraced the silence for fear of sound -even the right sound- tearing apart whats left of my heart. But then, I've never been this alone.

Forcing The Pen To Write

2011-01-27T03:38:00.000-06:00

My dad passed away on Monday morning.

Seeing as it's now 3am on Thursday, you can imagine this week has been full of decisions which were much more difficult than they should have been and ridiculous questions. Trust me, the font on a thank you card should not take 20 minutes to decide on, and no one should ever ask a newly grieving widow or child (regardless of age) how they're doing. (Oh, I'm doing fine. I only woke up sobbing three times last night, and finding his hat in the laundry this afternoon only left me curled up on the floor in a numb stupor for an hour. I'm doing splendidly. Thank you so much for reminding me that this wound is not -in fact- visible to every person I meet.)

Still, this week has made an opportunity for a million different conversations I doubt my family, friends and I would have ever had other wise. There is a certain amount of blunt honesty that comes along with the pain. That's almost refreshing.

This week has also brought a good deal of laughter as we reminisce. Anyone who knew my father would know, that's the way he'd want it to be. So for now, I'm in the practice of forcing myself to continue to move, to write when I feel like crying, and to laugh when I feel like dying. Because, ultimately, that's what Dad would do, and that's all that I can do.

Baby it's cold outside!

2010-12-12T23:08:00.000-06:00

I know I still haven't posted from my adventure last week, and I'm about to sojourn again. Terrible of me, I know.

I just got over a major cold and am ALMOST caught up on holiday decorating. Almost. The end of the day tomorrow I'll be done and I'll post some more pictures.

And I'll get on that whole roadtrip to Nebraska story and the road trip to Oklahoma City story soon too. But for now, what's important to know is that it's finally really looking like winter. We've got a few inches of snow, and it's leave-your-groceries-in-the-trunk-while-you-hit-the-next-store-and-they'll-freeze cold. That more so than anything else is finally making it feel a lot like Christmas is around the corner. So I lounged around while putting up the Christmas tree and watched Rudolph this morning and White Christmas tonight. Now, finally, it feels like Christmas.

Time Traveling Book Stores

2010-11-21T23:05:00.000-06:00

Like most travelers I know, I have a tendency to love reading while I'm waiting for the plane and so I have a tendency to buy books I don't actually want to read in over priced post-security-screening book stores (which also sell a plethora of traveling "necessities" you didn't know you could possibly ever need).
Needless to say, the purchases from these desperate attempts of entertainment sit on my shelf of books I refer to as the books that "I really, really, truly mean to finish reading soon. Really. I mean it. Soon. After I finish this book series that makes me want to forget how to read."

I've got a lot of traveling to do this winter, and I could really use to have a book that can keep my interest after I land too. So I took advantage of a book shopping opportunity this weekend. It's not often that my brother suggests heading in to a book store with me. I'm not that much of a shopper - I'm more of a get in, find what I need and get out kind of shopper- but a good used book store can keep me entertained for hours. So when my brother suggested the Book House, I prepared for a multi hour excursion with tough decisions. (Oh my gosh! They do have that book I've been putting off buying! Oh and look they have that book I lost last month... oh crap, I think I found $60 worth of books I want. I have bills to pay. UGH!!! What goes back?)

The Book House is just what it says it is. It's a house full of books. Literally. It's a house that is so full of books it can be hard to turn around. Two stories of house converted into a literary hub. In short, it's amazing. It's what I sometimes fear my house will turn into.

So, I picked up a few books as a result of a few hours there. The books I've been meaning to buy for a while, but somehow just didn't. It's hard to pass up $5.00 for a book you've been meaning to read for a year.

Typically, I'm not a big sci-fi fan. I don't do the whole time-traveling / alternate universe / robots / aliens / space thing. My idea of sci-fi is a group of elves, dwarfs and short people running around a Nordic ideal of earth. But, with my love of Doctor Who and several years of hearing that Jack Finney is amazing, I'm diving into a new world of sci-fi. I'm buffering myself with Isaac Asimov. I read Asimov forever ago (sixth grade!) and loved him, but didn't care for sci-fi so I never kept up on it.

All in all, it looks like I've found my reading material for the winter. Here's hoping I found well.

And then there was... today.

2010-11-09T21:30:00.000-06:00

I travel fairly regularly, you would think I would have mastered the art of fitting three days of clothes into a cary on bag. You would think I've mastered the art of time zone changes. You'd be wrong.

This trip hasn't bee a complete sob story. Some amazing food has been found, and loved.

Like this Oreo Shortcake.

And while I can't support any of Cincinnati's sports teams, there are some lovely neighborhoods and really unique suprises at every corner.

Like this street light at the corner of Rosslyn and Erie.

I'm on my way home tomorrow, and I get the feeling I'll have to come back to Cincinnati later and find more awesome things around the bend.

Song for the Day: West Coast by Coconut Records

Highways and coffee beans

2010-11-02T22:59:00.000-05:00

A lot of October was spent getting ready for Halloween weekend. And that kept me pretty far away from my laptop and too wrapped up in flannel to have much to say. (excuses, excuses, I know.) But I have to gush about this weekend to everyone I know, and that means you! Shameless bragging alert... well not bragging. I so don't deserve the awesome-ness of this past weekend.

Michelle came down for the weekend and we road tripped it on down to T-Town... Tulsa, Oklahoma. The weather was perfect and as usual, we wound up talking the whole six hours down. In short, she's amazing and people suck - a lot - and we have to be willing to stand up for ourselves when the rest of the world turns their back. The trip was the continuation of the amazing drive, with awesome music, fantastic finds around town (Blue Rose Cafe, Center of the Universe and hair braiding on the River Walk!) and miracle of miracle, not getting lost even on the highway.

The ultimate cause of the trip was the Hanson Fan Club Member Event (there's some debate and a lot of Hanson fans will call it a MOE - Member's Only Event- I contend that they're wrong but that's another post.) I won't bore you with all the facts here, but the event included a costume contest, and seeing as I was a Starbucks Caramel Macchiato with Isaac's name misspelled five times and a quote from both Noah Roberts and Taylor, I came in Second only to Charlie Chaplin (Amazing! Truely!) I cleaned up: coffee, the 5of 5 dvd set, and I garnered the look of awe from my favorite band. The show was amazing and was well worth the trip even without the prizes.

The only thing that topped the event was the fact that we also received word of a final date for my niece and nephew's adoption to be officially final. Done, final and forever ours. It's fantastic and underwhelming at the same time. Fantastic because it will make them officially ours. Underwhelming because as far as my heart's concerned, they've been officially ours for a few months now, and they were ours long before that. Underwhelming because regardless of whatever the courts say, Cassia's already claimed Tim and Liz as Mom and Dad long ago, and nothing the courts could ever say would mean more than that. Still, I can't believe the day is finally come. I'm so excited. And can't wait to get up to see them all. I can tell you now what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving: those kids.

Almost too fitting Song for the day: Penny and Me by Hanson "Penny and me like to roll the window down
Turn the radio up push the pedal to the ground
Penny and me like to gaze as starry skies
Close our eyes pretend to fly
It’s always penny and me tonight

Penny likes to get away
And drowned her pain, in lemonade
Penny dreams of rainy days
And coffee cake by the fireplace
And aimless conversations about the better days"

Short but Sweet

2010-10-19T18:30:00.002-05:00

I'm posting from my mom's bed room which was my room when I was growing up. Her bedroom window is open and from the computer desk, I can hear our neighbor's Motown mix. It's too quiet for any other room of the house to hear it, that's my personal childhood memory neither one of my brothers quite share. That has something to do with why I've loved Motown for as long as I can remember.

Song for the day "Mr. Postman" by the Marvelettes.

BOOO! um... BLUES!... um...

2010-10-17T12:23:00.001-05:00

I've been a bit lax about writting lately. Mostly that has to do with how busy and unbusy I've been the last week or so. The fall has come swift and chilly this year. The temperature dropped virtually overnight to be the perfect weather for long walks watching the leaves change color, and that is exactly what my family has been doing. Our walks around St. Vincent's Park has given us a lot to laugh about as our dogs challenge each other (and us) to see who's going to take the lead and who's going to get back home first. For two dogs who do more eating than running this gets to be quite a hillarious challenge. The walk is gorgeous, laughter aside. It's truly a woodland scene plopped right in the middle of city life.

Our walks bring us home just in time to settle in for the Blues games. Ah, yes the hockey season has started. And what a start it's been. It's no secret that I'm a Blues fan, and that's about as far as it goes. Other teams' historys are lost on me, but the Blues... oh the Blues are a dominant ficture around my house every season. Four games into the season, we've already seen what will probably be the best hit of the year (Thanks, Winchester) and some the trends that have to change for us to make it to the Cup. Like every year, I am ambitious and my father is not. Every year is "the year" we'll make it to the Cup in my opinion. With faith like a child, I sit in front of the tv and hope. Hope that Polak will make the hit, that Halak or Conklin will make the save and that Oshie or McDonald or Steen will make the goal. While my dad sits next to me on the couch and tells me why I will hope in vain. I am a homer, and he is a ... realist. Don't get me wrong, he'd love to see us win. He just sees the flaws as well as the flare. Twice this season, I've been disappointed, but every game I'm encouraged. We've got the passion and it seems like we've got the desire for it. So again this year, I think we'll make it.

In the mean time, I've got some serious decorating to do. Halloween is almost upon us and I JUST got my jackolantern out. My desk and my bedroom aren't decorated at all. I have been slacking... Granted, I've got other things done. My costume for example is finally underway. I should have that done in about a week and I'll post instructions and pictures when I do.

Morning

2010-10-09T12:34:00.001-05:00

We've been blessed with some really amazing weather this weekend. It's the kind of weather that every one dreams of, mid 70s, clear sky and soft breeze.
I slept with my window open last night, and the soft sun light and chirping of birds right outside my window as my alarm clock completely changed the persepctive of my room. It's amazing what a good drop in the weather can do.

Song for the day: Don McLean's "Castles in Air"
It's the best argument for not living in the city I've ever heard. And also for not sticking in a terrible relationship.

BBQs

2010-10-03T19:46:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I met up with a friend I really should talk to more often for a barbeque to celebrate the end of summer and the beginning of the fall. I thought of grabbing the camera but put it down to instead rejoice in being fully in the moment of it. In hind sight, I should have grabbed the camera.
Jen's home is lovely. Despite the number of men who spend their free time hanging around the living room playing the Playstation 3 (which is pretty sweet) she's managed to make a really cozy and welcoming home (complete with Hanson and Michael Jackson decor - and really anyone who knows her knows that it wouldn't be her house without). That alone would have been cause enough for a few great pics, but the view driving to her house was breath taking.
The drive takes me through the north county of St. Louis (translate that as "the ghetto") and upward in to what works out to be undeveloped land. Nothing but wooded marshes lining the Mississippi. It was breath taking.
It's left me ready for another road trip this November, south again to Tulsa. The wooded hills at sunset is what calls me to the road. It's a trip worth while when on the other side is a friend or dozen and a good cup of coffee.
Jen's barbecue was amazing. Mad props to Dan for the skill on the grill. Between the grill and the muffin chocolate chip cookies we can forgive Ethan's terrible rapping.
Song of the Day: The Ladder by Andrew Belle

The writer of one of my favorite blogs got bored one weekend and with some help from her roommates whipped up that music video. The song's been stuck in my head since I saw the video, it's a great by product of reading a blog. :)

What If I Fall?

2010-09-29T21:56:00.001-05:00

The week home from California has been one ripe with conflicts. Not only my own but also those of friends and family.
While many of us have figured out how to look in the mirror and see our own flaws and faults, too many of us have forgotten how to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes and forgive others for repeating the same mistake.
It's alright that we've made mistakes, we haven't failed until we refuse to learn and let go.

The song for the day is "What If I Stumble" by DC Talk.

Some great adventure!

2010-09-27T00:32:00.002-05:00

I'm back from California, and I'd like to say that my absence is due to some earth shatteringly awesome adventure out to California and a wonderful week in Los Angeles and Anaheim, but I can't. I'd like to be able to say I feel like I saw California and the magic of LA, but I can't. In fact, all that I can say is that the beds and showers of the Hilton Anaheim are amazing, Disneyland is overpriced - even if it does smell like cookies- and the traffic isn't nearly as bad or complicated as people make it seem. It's quite possible, even likely, that I didn't enjoy California as much as I would have liked because virtually the entire time I was thinking about someone who would have made the trip better, or more enjoyable, or simply less lonely. I wasn't thinking of having someone along who would have filled all the empty silences or made the Griddle Cafe more entertaining (there was no way that trip could have gone better), rather I was thinking of the friends who know when to not insert a conversation about a tree whilst staring out in to the expanse of the ocean but know when to insert a conversation about said tree whilst trying to plan an escape to the Sequoia National Forest during my free night. And so I'm hoping that these pictures will give those of you who should have been there an idea of when I was thinking of you, and will thank those of you who were there for making the trip just a little bit better. :)

Believe it or not I spent the better part of the week in my hotel room... hence my lamentations. Still I think you can see why I wasn't too bent out of shape about it.

Before I headed to the hotel I did get to see the ocean and a Hanson concert (way to be resourceful! Go me!)

Then on to the Walk and the show, where I wound up thanks to Marie Ann on the balcony stage right... Isaac's side. Win.

For some reason the shaking of the balcony over powered my anti-shake feature on the camera. I find the fuzziness of the shots to be ironic as the whole trip feels a little fuzzy to me now.

This shot I love.

Fuzzy yes, but that's Chuck. Important to note... mostly because I hadn't realized that Isaac played the Gibson ES345 on Been There Before until this moment. The "D'oh!" moment for me was MASSIVE.

LOVE this shot as well. Trust me people were concert called.

But by the time all that was done, I was headed over to work. We kicked off the week of work with dinner at Downtown Disney (over rated.... Disney in general is overrated but c'est la vie) Some of it was awesome and that's what follows...

There is a Lego store in Disney. And I was in full geek mode.

Apparently, Downtown Disney comes complete with busking musicians... on dulcimers.

Happily ever after includes Prince Charming getting in some serious trouble with Cinderella.

And Ariel used spray on deodorant.

Then I was back to the hotel. Where I spent the rest of the week.

There are some great shots from the plane on the way home, but those are all stuck on my phone for the time being.

It wasn't until I was on my way home that I finally saw the wonder of the ocean in such a way that I was awestruck by it. It was seeing it through an airplane window that put it in perspective, and maybe that's what my problem was this week. There was no border, there was no frame, it was just the ocean and Disney open for all the world to see and it was too much for me to embrace.

I'd do it again in a heart beat, but next time I see LA I fully intend to bring a friend or two, so maybe just maybe I can spend less time feeling lonely and more time feeling the wonder of the infinite of the ocean.

Song for today: 3x5 by John Mayer

We're on a mission from God!

2010-09-14T10:06:00.004-05:00

Jake: Ma'am, would it make you feel any better if you knew that what we're asking Matt here to do is a holy thing?
Elwood: You see, we're on a mission from God.
Mrs. Murphy: Don't you blaspheme in here! Don't you blaspheme in here! This is my man, this is my restaurant, and you two are just gonna walk right out that door without your dry white toast, without your four fried chickens, and without Matt 'Guitar' Murphy!

Ah it's a Blues Brother's kind of morning. I woke to find a few new blogs posted from some of my favorite people and amongst them was a video of a concert performance in Carnegie Hall.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5KTntFnyRQ&NR=1

It's a reminder that music isn't just about having a good time. It's a connection to something greater than our selves. It so quickly wipes away our pretenses and lets us simply be true and authentic. It's scientifically proven to be impossible to not let music affect your demeanor and mood. And a song like this gives the gift of humility and the joy of a hopeful tomorrow. It's worth a listen.

Ambigous

2010-09-12T19:59:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure why it is that we often consume so much time trying to find nice ways to say mean things. The amount of time that we waste trying to find a nice way to say "no I really don't want to see you" could be so much better spent. Furthermore, what solution we do resort to usually leaves the other party confused and we wind up hurting the feelings we didn't want to hurt in the first place.

I've been trying to work this out all weekend and I just can't find any reason to it. Yet, I'm still in the same battle; how to say it, what medium to use (somethings are just easier to take via text and some should never be said over text), and what happens if they just don't get it.

If anyone's figured out the balance of social propriety and conveying the ugly truth, please let me know.

The song for the day: Gordon Lightfoot "If You Could Read My Mind"
It's a track that played through out my childhood. It's underrated but if some how you don't know it by title chances are good that you'll know it when you hear it. Enjoy.

Biscotti

2010-09-10T09:17:00.002-05:00

I hate change. Loathe it. I've talked about this before, but in case you missed it. Change makes me feel like I'm being dragged under water by a giant squid and I have no escape. Change is a terrible vile thing that up heaves my life and my standard way of doing things and it causes me to flounder grasping for straws where there used to be plenty and now are none. Change in a floor plan causes me to stub my toes, trip over tables and chairs and throw coffee over everything.
Changes in the arrangement of the coffee bar at work causes me to try to put forks in the coffee maker.
So, I do not take kindly to random people (who probably work in this office) deciding that I need over 200 forks to reside in the drawer that houses my coffee and filters. And that therefore, my filters and coffee can happily commingle with the decaf in the next drawer. Um... no. I don't do well with that at all. We already have a drawer for utensils; forks can go there. Or even in the empty one. But don't move my coffee.
I just spent 15 minutes cleaning out utensil drawers and moving forks out of my way to move my coffee home. I have a feeling it was done by someone who doesn't drink coffee and that person is likely to have biscotti thrown at their head.

Rosh Hashanah

2010-09-09T20:28:00.000-05:00

Today's Rosh Hashanah, and there for the new year for the Jewish calendar. It's a day that begins a period of self reflection and repentance. One of the things I love most about the Jewish faith is the focus to apologize and an attempt to make right the sins of the past. It's something that all too many people fail to do, but something we all need.
Today I'm starting by repenting for my own sins and my own mistakes, and asking myself to forgive me. I've got a heavy grab bag of things to forgive myself for. And I've got to get past my own injury before I heal the injuries I've caused others and have received from others.

Today's a great day. It's a fresh start.

Song for the day: The Walk by Imogen Heap

2010-09-04T14:47:00.001-05:00

We've been blessed with some amazing weather this weekend. This is truly the weather that people dream of mid 70's, clear skies and soft breezes.

I slept with my window open and waking up to soft sunline and birds chirping was the final straw to win my argument to never live in the city.

Song for the Day: Don McLean's "Castles in the Air"
It's one of the best pop singer/songwriter songs ever. If it doesn't make you want to move to the country, nothing ever will.

Fall

2010-08-31T21:38:00.002-05:00

The summer is drawing to a close. But not before I get to head off to Anaheim for work. Summer will end with my first trip to the beach and a trip to the much discussed and long awaited Griddle Cafe. It's quickly looking like my first day in California will consist of a lot of time sitting on the beach enjoying the feeling of my toes in the sand and the sun possibly roasting me for the second time this summer. (I swear I'm going to wear sun block this time.)

As excited for this trip and the chance to "look out in to infinity"- as Andrea puts it- as I am, I think I may be more excited about the week that follows it. Something about actually getting to physically work to accomplish something rather than accomplish the simple task of typing and filling out spread sheets is looking insanely rewarding. I know there's nothing glamorous about schlepping boxes and organizing name badges but to know that I've effectively DONE something with my day is a feeling I'm really looking forward to.

I'm doubling up the song for the day. There's so many things that I'm looking forward to and so many things that I have to get done before I go that my head and my heart are being pulled a million different ways. But the two songs that seem to run through my mind the most here are:
Cold in California by Ingram Hill
Mostly for the lines "Didn't anybody know, didn't tell anybody else that I was gonna go. Didn't anybody see, didn't tell anybody else that I was leaving". It's a solitary trip for the most part. I'm looking forward to it, and while pretty much everyone knows now that I'm going no body knows the details of the trip yet and that's refreshing. Solitude and the ocean and me.
and
If Only by Hanson
Trust me, those of you who are Hanson fans know the fear this song strikes in calves and legs around the world. If they could talk, they'd be screaming "I don't want to jump! Please don't make me jump!".
I can't help but think of California when I hear this song. "Every single time I see you I start to feel this way, makes me wonder if I'm ever gonna feel this way again " there's something magical about the simple thought of California and I'm pretty sure it's irreplaceable. Hmmm maybe it's time for a visit to Grandpa Redwood.

Balance

2010-08-29T16:14:00.002-05:00

Lately, I've been thinking about balance. Balance of everything from balancing a check book, to balancing quiet time and a social life, friends and boyfriends, and balancing passions.

It's amazing how difficult the balance can be.

Balancing the check book is really tough to do when all you want to do is rent a car and travel a few hundred miles to see friends and a few bands on tour, and in stead you find yourself sitting at home thinking about all the albums you're not buying that you desperately want to. The quiet voice in the back of your head saying "Don't buy it... seriously, don't buy it" gets quieter and quieter...

Balancing quiet time and the social life is dangerous to screw up. Too much of a social life and you start to lose yourself in the mix. Too much quiet (alone, or me) time and you forget how to be social in the first place.

Balancing friends and other relationships is equally difficult. Screw that up and someone is bound to feel neglected and you can watch as your friends turn on their heels and walk away.

Balancing passions is just about as crucial. One passion will burn bright and fast while the others sputter out and stifle out.

But here at the end of the summer, at the end of August, at the anniversary of the deaths of two of the women I most want to emulate, I'm thinking about this balance. And just how strong a person has to be to maintain it.

Song for the day: Broken Bells - "The High Road"

On the way that you're still sleeping

2010-08-25T16:32:00.003-05:00

I've been in one spot for a really long time. Well, a really long time for me anyway. Typically eight months is enough time for me to feel antsy. After eight months, or two semesters or enough time for my friends to think I might make it a year without changing my cell phone number (always the number, never the phone...sigh) I'm ready for a change. It’s is odd, really, because I hate change. I don't merely hate change the way people hate cold weather and humidity, or hate the feeling of lint in their pockets. I hate change with a passion. I loathe it. I despise it. I dig my heels in to the dirt, stick my head in the sand and avoid it like the plague, yet every eight months or so I'm itching for a change of some drastic proportion; a new job or a new apartment or a new hair cut or some shift in the cosmos. Seriously, I start looking for the stars to appear red as if they started traveling towards us rather than away.
But it's been eight months since my car died and I moved home, and I'm not itching to change. If anything I've gone and dug my heels in to keeping my long term plan which presents very little room to change now but promises MASSIVE change in a year and a half.
I'm not sure what to attribute this shift in my personality to. I'm going to have to assume that it's a new found zealousness for the plans of my life, and that I've finally found a head space I'm happy in. Either that or there have been so many changes in my life that I’ve failed to actively notice. That’s probably more likely.

Song for the day: Tomorrow is Like Today by Guster
It’s a bit of an oldie, but it’s great.

Glasses

2010-08-16T00:10:00.002-05:00

It's been twelve years since I've had glasses as my primary vision aid. For the last twelve years I've woken up every day and poked myself in the eye, and wound up making myself cry. Today I picked up two pairs of glasses and put my last pair of contacts to the side. And while the general opinion is that the glasses look amazing (again pictures will follow tomorrow) I'm already pretty sure I know why I was so ready to put my glasses aside a life time ago. The headache and odd eye strain just from changing the way I see is exhausting. But the worst part about glasses is that my peripheral vision is crap. The corner of my eye and the bottom of my line of sight might as well not exist. I'm going to have to get contacts again. I'll wait for a while, but this can't be my only way of seeing. I'm too blind for this.

Song for the day: No Rain by Blind Melon

The Week in Photos

2010-08-15T03:10:00.004-05:00

The Blister Tour - Highlights

Michelle! The first to arrive! She came complete with a magazine about Ireland and baggage delay from Delta. Our first stop? Mexican. What else?

Andrea! A-Sizzle! The second to arrive! Our first stop? Mexican! What else?

Last week was a week of amazing friends and travel. What might have been most amazing about the week was how having friends visit from other cities can cast your own in such a different light. I've lived in St. Louis for 22 years of my 24 year life, and in the course of those 22 years I've gotten to the point where the awesome things of this city lose some of their shine and uniqueness. Take for example the Arch. As a resident of the "Lou" I've seen the Arch SO many times and it's become synonymous with the city. Every tourist wants to see it, and I'm not always so prone to ushering them to Laclede's Landing when the Loop and Forest Park are at my door step.

This trip however, Michelle and Andrea both requested, nay, demanded that we make it down to at least get a photo spread of the Arch and Michelle needed to get to the top. Apparently getting to St. Louis and not going is like going to Philly and not getting a cheese steak, or going to Seattle and not wearing plaid or getting coffee. Arriving at the Arch, I was reminded at how cool the city actually is. How neat the view really can be and how epic some monuments really are.

The above shot of the Arch looks like it was taken in bluescale but it wasn't. That was the actual color of the sky and Arch that day. It's one of my favorites.

As we rolled in to Minneapolis, I was fully expecting to be swept off my feet for some culturally epic moments. While I was astounded by IKEA (seriously, I'm designing houses around that store), I'd already spent a weekend in the Mall of America and we chose to make this trip a touch less tourist and more everyday Minneapolis. We stopped at the local awesome coffee shop, the amazing ice cream place and while we're finding the similarities between Minneapolis (Izzy's Ice Cream) and St. Louis (Ted Drewes Frozen Custard) we stumbled upon things that we over look in the every day, like Taystee's Bakery Outlet.

Still a trip to the Midtown Global Market (actually in Minneapolis - thanks Andrea) left us in full appreciation of the things that are every day awesome, and completely tourist worthy. The Midtown gives a very local feel to some very international stores. It is truly a mosaic of America's immigrant history and is a reminder of the cultures that have blended to create the culture of America. Here we found our similarities and our differences (Andrea and I are both Swedish and German -we're the flip flops of intensities- and Michelle is Czech. ) The differences make our friendship richer, and honestly make the world a better place, particularly when we're willing to embrace them with our similarities.

This shot was of the truffles at the Swedish and Nordic sweets shop. Yes the Peanut Butter Truffle was worth the million calories.

I would be remiss if I didn't tell you about the concerts. We made it to the Hanson shows in St. Louis and Minneapolis. We met up with my mom and friend Jen in St. Louis. The venue was (as usual) amazing, and the Pageant impressed as it typically does. The set was amazing and the opening act Darren Raser was pretty good. Not the same as if it had been This Is Energy but he didn't take us out of the mood so... (maybe I'm biased... ). Rooney was amazing and the fact that it was Taylor's birthday just made the set all the better. Hanson's set was fantastic! Old songs that we never hear (Madeline! Strong Enough To Break! Minute Without You!) and an extended medley of songs that evoke audience participation. Sigh. I was eleven again for a night. The audience broke out into the TBS dance (well what we knew of it) and that was a fantastic moment that solidifies St. Louis as being the home of some of the best fans in the world.
Minneapolis' show was amazing for different reasons. We were almost rained out. The rain abbreviated the set and Rooney was canceled. We got Hanson for an hour and a half before we finally rained out. We were rained on long before that. Dancing to "And I Waited" in the rain was some how magical, and the chorus of "If Only" seemed only so much more fitting as the rain fell closer and closer to Isaac's guitar pedals. (Please don't go, 'cause I need you!) I would gladly sit through the rain for a show like that again. Taylor has said it before and it's still true, the reason why Hanson and Hanson fans are willing to risk illness and broken gear for each other is that "They love us and we love them. It's as simple as that". Minneapolis proved it again. Where's the love? Right there, on that stage, in the front row, and in the back dance group and along the bar in the back of the house.

Song for the trip: Pink Moon by Nick Drake

Sunset at Swan Lake

2010-08-13T00:22:00.001-05:00

Fade in to the sunset
Hold tight to the lime light
And run away like the day we met

Wind twists through your hair
Let go of the stress tonight
I'll be waiting, come back if you dare.

Song for the day: Good Life by Audio Adrenaline

The Blister Tour

2010-08-09T12:42:00.002-05:00

Every time my friends and I travel to see a concert or three, we nickname the tour. The Use Your Soul Tour became the ticket tour because no matter where we went we got parking tickets. This tour has been not so lovingly named the Blister Tour. Blisters, that's right. We're feeling some pain.
The St. Louis Walk was insanely hot, and I'm pretty sure no one really knew how hot it was before we started walking but it was over 100 degrees. The Walk could have easily been canceled but the band and a hand full of dedicated souls went ahead and trucked through it. There's so many details to the walk but the important notes, Taylor's emotions blistered to the surface and the people who walked with shoes got a pretty intense guilt trip and a harsh reminder of the severity of what we're working towards. Isaac, I'm pretty sure, has some intense blisters on his feet for the sake of stopping and helping a lost child get through the walk and find their family. It was simultaneously the most exhausting, briefest, and emotionally stirring Walk I've ever seen and that includes the Tulsa Walk in 2007 without Isaac (although in an entirely different way). Needless to say between the Walk, Andrea's broken shoe and my attempt to save her feet by giving her my flip flops, we've got some gnarly blisters on our feet.

That alone wouldn't have won the title of Blister tour. The rental car for the drive to Minneapolis was a good two hours late and so due to some polite calls on our end they upgraded us to a convertible... a Chrysler Seabring, silver with a black soft top. Oh go ahead and drool. I'll post a few pictures of the little beauty I've named Crystal. The sky was clear and it was all of 80 out side. We rode through Missouri with the top down... again... go ahead and drool. Please... I'll wait.
None of us have ever driven a convertible before. All of us were way too excited by the prospect of the convertible for the trip too consider that the sun burns over long periods of time. And over too long a period of time, one winds up with second degree burns on their arms, and that means blisters. Yup. Blisters thanks to Crystal and my overzealous excitement about driving my Mom's dream car. (I want one now too.)

From the blisters on our feet to the blisters on our arms this has become a full fledged Blister tour. Sigh...

That said this has been the most amazing tour ever. That is a blog that can wait until after the Minneapolis show.

Song for the day: Straight Lines by Silverchair

Friends

2010-08-04T22:41:00.000-05:00

The friends from Minneapolis have managed to arrive! It's been amazing so far and there's still two days left! Here's to friends and Hanson.

Who?

2010-07-26T16:10:00.002-05:00

I have been described as a passionate person. I have also been labeled obsessive. I don't argue with either. It's really hard to argue with the truth, but passionate sounds better, so I tend to favor that and correct people who call me obsessive. I was reminded of the severity of my personality this weekend.
I may have become a bit passionate (completely obsessed) with a show called Doctor Who (on BBCAmerica). I might have been more excited about the season finale than I was about anything else this weekend and I had a very full weekend.
Fridays are half days at work during the summer which extends my weekend so much so that my mom and I feel like we have two Saturdays. So Friday afternoon Mom, Dad and I headed down to the lake and to check out other lake front properties they're considering buying next month. We were gone a full seven hours just the three of us in the car with periodic stops to look at some awesome scenery and a few truck stops. I have some fantastic photos I'll get posted later tonight but Friday was a day that reminded me just how hilarious my dad is, and just how wonderful my parents can be.
Saturday was equally spectacular. Mom and I won tickets for Cats at the Muny from work so in the morning Mom took Aunt Faye shopping and I stayed home and cleaned and watched about five hours of the Doctor Who marathon on BBCA.
With the threat of rain looming Mom and I headed out for Cats and hoped for the best. Of course not two minutes before the last scene of the first half (Memories) the rain poured and the show was canceled. Mom missed the entirety of the musical that she wanted to see. It was almost comical. But we played in the rain for a bit and enjoyed the weather. Eventually we got home to watch the season finale of Doctor Who.
I should note that I hadn't stopped mentioning the show for the last 48 hours. I am simultaneously overjoyed at the way the season ended and anxiously saddened by the ending of the season. It draws us that much closer to the end of the 11th doctor and the end of the series.
Despite the fact that this season is over, I highly recommend Doctor Who to anyone looking to watch some awesome re-runs this summer. The fact that two days later I'm still gushing about how amazing this show is might just make up my mind that I'm not just passionate, I might just be obsessed. This one should tide me over until my next obsession nears in, the road trip to Minneapolis for Hanson at the Zoo (oh and if you're in St. Louis, make it to the Hanson show at the Pageant. They don't cancel like the Jonas Bros and Kings of Leon.)

Quote of the day: The Doctor: Maybe you've had enough coffee now; how about some nice, calming tea? Let's get you a cup of chamomile or something, shall we?

Sun Roof

2010-07-18T19:15:00.002-05:00

The weather is finally getting to the point where it's consistently good. It makes for some great driving moments, sitting behind the wheel windows down, sun roof popped open and the radio blasting some awesome old school hits. Some awesome jams like "What A Man" by Salt N Peppa and En Vogue and "Steal My Sunshine" by Len.

When the radio finally ran out of awesome songs to drive to (Sorry, Lady Gaga this means you) I switched over to cds... but man, I desperately need some new cds. Most of my favorite bands and some new loves are dropping albums this summer and I'm itching to get my fingers on them. Among the awesome artists are Carney - they're new to my list but one of the best bands I've found in a long time. http://www.carneymusic.com/

Work in progress...

2010-07-13T09:01:00.003-05:00

Sanguine

His cat's tail swings
Ears fall flat against his head
As soft rumble of joy fills the wing
He curls up for the night in the hospital bed
Distrubing the rest of down as it lay
The cat shuffles the sheets
As if he's the only one with any say
No matter his loyalty has earned him no treat.
Steady chirps from machinery
mingles in with the sound of breathing
The cat, Death's iconic falconry,
Lies in wait for the spirit to take its leaving.

Song of the Day: Hold On by Tom Waits

knowing when to let it go

2010-07-11T22:39:00.002-05:00

It's 10:30pm on a Sunday night. Time for the wind down, the settling in for the last free sleep before a long week at work with PJs straight from the drier and fluffy extra loved pillows. That's what I SHOULD be doing. Instead, I'm slumped over a thermos I almost never use that I paid way too much for. But it's a thermos that very few people have, and you can't get it anymore, and that makes it worth more than what I paid. Well, to me anyway.
The bottom of the thermos is a thin silicone mat which keeps it from sliding or clinking when you set it on the table. I made the mistake of taking this thermos to work and putting it in an industrial dishwasher. The thin silicone mat was held on by glue. Glue that's very old now. Glue that couldn't handle the industrial washer. So the glue let go. After I found the mat at the bottom of the diswasher, I let it dry for a week. So now I'm slumped over the thermos breathing epoxy fumes and hoping that there's a way to save the letters that are starting to chip off. If I can't finish off this coffee set with the mugs... the least I can hope for is that Hanson stays "highly caffeinated since 1992".
I know that I shoudln't cling to the theremos... but I don't know when to let go. Maybe that's because I drink too much coffee.

Me, Myself & I

2010-07-08T21:55:00.002-05:00

Finally, after several months of debating and waffling, I've ended the friendship I've been clinging to despite the detriment to myself. Finally devotions to friendships were tried and decisions were made. I can honestly say, this time there is no second chance. There is no way to save it. She's crossed the line. The line I never believed she was capable of crossing.

I'm amazingly alright with it. While I know there's still stress on the doorstep, knowing I decided this and I took the action my gut was crying for is enough to soothe my nerves.

Song for the day: Me, Myself & I by Hanson.

I stayed behind so you'd miss me.

2010-06-25T09:35:00.003-05:00

I'm finding myself breaking away from people. I'm distancing myself almost purposefully at this point. I spend so much time by myself in this corner desk of mine that I find myself uncomfortable around people. For someone as verbose and gregarious as I am that's a scary thought.
It's had some benefits. Don't get me wrong. It's afforded me the chance to stay home most nights and actually save some money. It's allowed me to select which friends I want to spend my energy on, rather than feel like I have to talk to the people in my life who don't have anything in common with me. Love is fuller. Loneliness is quieter.

Still, I think I'm rounding the corner where I either find some interaction with people or I'm bound to become the crazy cat lady. Ah the crazy cat lady. Just a lady who has no idea how to handle people but can handle cats... true I'd be the crazy dog lady. I can't handle cats either.

Song for the day: For Today by Jessica Lea Mayfield

We count only blue cars

2010-06-24T14:48:00.003-05:00

Since I was 18, I have been accustomed to being able to get up and leave any house, any town, any place I wanted to. In fact, since August of 2004, I have been accustomed to actually doing this. The highways surrounding Maryville, Missouri are very well known to me. (Should you ever get lost in that corner of the world I can point your way, at least until you get to Nebraska.) Every time I would get to feeling listless or trapped, generally depressed or frustrated I would take an hour out of my day and drive. There are amazing things to be found in the small towns surrounding a small college town; bizarre names, awesome shoppes and gorgeous landscapes. But most of what I found on these journeys was freedom.

It dawned on me not too long ago that the reason why I have been so listless and perhaps why I have been so easily stressed is my lack of a car. It's been nearly six months since my last voyage out and about just for the thrill of driving. Scratch that... seven months. As the summer wears on, I find myself not staring that the trees longing for the scenery, I'm gazing at the highway pining for a road trip with the music up, the windows down and my hair whipping me in the face. The simple notion of not being able to just get up and go is driving me crazy. I feel like a caged bird. That even considers the road trip to Tulsa and OKC in March. I didn't drive. I didn't roll down the windows and belt out my favorite song (once but the windows were up, and I was the only one who knew the words to Nelly's 'Country Grammar'). The notion of picking up and going is what I'm missing. I've got the best summer sound track for road trips; a little Company, Carney, Hanson and a dash of Avenue Q. Well, that would get me to Tulsa. But with out that car, with some one else's schedule to meet, it's just not a road trip. It's just a meeting on wheels.
This summer I'm taking that long awaited road trip. I'm taking detours. And I'm not going to see anyone for near long enough to be tired of them.

My stress breaking freedom bringing vacation on wheels. I can't wait!

Song for the day: Blue Cars by Dishwalla

The Truth shall leave you bruised

2010-06-20T22:02:00.002-05:00

Randomness from this weekend:

The thing about telling people the truth is that it usually hurts. It's necessary and it's ultimately helpful, but the moment we start to do it... it's not a pretty site.

If you don't want people to treat you like a child, you shouldn't act like one.

Good people make concerts worth while.

Meeting up with people you don't often talk to is usually worth it.

Following through on promises can make people really happy, encouraged and feel loved.

Not following through on promises can make people really hurt, disappointed and feel unloved.

Some things will never change no matter how much we want them to.

Words hurt. Even the words you didn't really mean to say and wish you can take back can cut just as fast and as deep as the words you choose with care.

Song for the weekend:
No Better by Sherwood

A Bit Tired of Shouting

2010-06-11T15:12:00.004-05:00

I've been a so busy I've forgotten how to breathe and sit down to write. For this I am truly sorry. Truly.
So here's the recap of what's going on. I've given hints that I'm on the edge of walking out the door of a few relationships and that there are a lot of changes on my horizon. Those of you who know me know that change and me don't get along. We're like oil and water, like oil in the water in sensitive unstable ecosystem. It's not a pretty picture.

It goes with out saying that some of my friends are making decisions that I not only personally disagree with but jeopardize the very essence of our relationship. But that's neither here nor there.

About a week ago, (was it that recently?) I was reminded that life is way to short to spend playing it safe. And since then my conversations have decidedly turned towards encouraging people to at least not let their passions die. From friends who've found the rough patch in their game plans of life, to co-workers who let their passion for writing fade as they got older, my resounding chorus for the last week, maybe two, has been "Do it! Even if all you do is for you, you can't let it die."
Why? Because it's a part of your voice, a part of your spirit, it's the part of America that creates, that produces rather than consumes. It's the part of America that discerns rather than sits back and just takes what they can get.
We all have hopes and dreams while we're growing up, but then somewhere along the line we start playing it safe. Not that there's anything wrong with knowing when you need to let a dream go, but there's something wrong with letting passion die. That passion is the thing that gets me out of the bed in the morning and reminds me that the beige walls of my office are not the only horizon I'll see.

It's the quiet fight for passion and art that I've been advocating. I'll never tell you that we can all be rock stars or all be on the New York Time's best seller list, but we all enjoy something creative and we can't lose that in the grind from 9 to 5. I'm a bit tired of shouting at people (friends and co-workers alike) to just have some passion. I don't like shouting. In fact I dare say I hate it. I want people to listen, not just hear me but listen, and that way I can save my voice a bit.

Despite all that frustration with myself for not being as passionate as I should be (ooo I"m preaching to myself) and with people who's eye's shine when they talk about their book but then don't pick up a pen, today I was hit with the one piece of news that makes it all worth it. The 38 year old co-worker who had his dreams ripped from his hands in the prime of his life is setting aside some time this weekend to write. No pressure on himself, he's just going to sit down and write. Whatever results is the result. That's refreshing.

I've yammered on long enough... but I will say this, through out it all, I've had a smile on my face because of this album.

Oh go check it out. Buy it, rock out... and smile. Because this time around, we know life's a battle that we all ultimately lose... but that doesn't mean you can't be happy.

I know it isn't much

2010-05-24T19:41:00.001-05:00

This weekend was a lesson in love languages and balance.

We all have a way that we tell people that we love them. Some of us use words, some of us give gifts, or buy dinner, some of us do things that we know the other person doesn't want to do so they don't have to, some of us require cuddle time. Remarkably, my family is about diverse in love languages as possible. That leads to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of resentment.

This weekend though we somehow found a way to balance all of that and get a long. We got things done and that was a good feeling.

Song of the day: This Christmas I'm Yours : This Is Energy.

You used to laugh under the covers... maybe not so often now...

2010-05-19T11:45:00.003-05:00

Stay or leave... that's the question. It feels like that's the question of my life most of the time. End a relationship, just walk away or just give space. There's a never ending attempt to balance forgiveness with sticking in a bad relationship.

Song of the day: Stay or Leave by Dave Matthews.

Game Plans and baby steps.

2010-05-17T19:47:00.003-05:00

There's a problem with game plans... the things in life that require good quality well thought out game plans are the ones that require a lot of waiting.

The game plan for paying off debt, for finishing school, for moving, for buying a car or even for getting a better job all require a well planned and well executed game plan. I can write out a game plan. I can even sit down and figure out what's realistic and what's going to require me to win the lottery to make it happen. I write it all out, and then I take the first step and then I get to wait. Wait for the next pay check, for August, for another month or two for leases to be open, wait for a down payment to build up... and wait for everything else to wrap up before I go chase the job.

Waiting sucks. Waiting makes other people think that you aren't trying, and just to be clear... I'm trying but it's a matter of baby steps. Painfully slow and tiny baby steps. Sigh.

Songs that make the daily battle a little bit easier:
Sherwood : Best In Me
http://bit.ly/BestInMe_Sherwood

It's been a minute

2010-04-26T22:09:00.001-05:00

So it's been a while since I updated... the weather turned. I've been soaking up the rain, and swimming in laudry.

However, I wanted to throw out a song for you who follow... a song of the week as it were...

When Did Your Heart Go Missing - Rooney

Turn the radio up!

2010-04-21T21:55:00.002-05:00

The weather has gotten AWESOME! here. Seriously. No no no... SERIOUSLY AWESOME!

Awesome enough that I'm driving around with the windows down, radio up... wait let me do this right...I've started to "roll the window down, turn the radio up push the pedal to the ground". This (of course) means I've needed some high quality jams and I've turned to the radio up and found a bunch of old awesome songs, and then some commercials and then some really crappy music. Let me tell you, that can just kill a day.

So I'm itching for some new music and to the benefit of the world new music is coming. Here's some albums you need to check out from some bands you can count on to take an awesome drive and make it a-mazing.

Carney - Mr. Green: Volume 1

oh I know, with a band name like Carney you've already got the circus tent and jugglers in mind. Simmer down and come back to the city. Check them out at www.carneyband.com and check out the video for "Love Me Chase Me". If some how you manage to watch the video with out drooling all over your keyboard you'll have noticed that they're FANTASTIC.

Hanson - Shout It Out

If you know me at all you will have noticed that I'm a Hanson fan. Not one of those "Oh my god, you're a Fanson. I bet you know what color toothbrush they all have." Hanson fans. No no, I'm the kind who just happen to have awesome taste in music. If you've been living under a rock or tuning me out for the last 13 years, go check them out. You might just be pleasantly surprised when you do. Check out the video for "Thinkin' 'Bout Somethin'" (and you know I cringe with all those apostrophes) and check out the new material at www.hanson.net

Caedmon's Call - in the works

Ok this is kind of cheating... and completely different. The album is in the works but if it's half as good as Derek Webb is making it sound on twitter it will be something awesome this fall.

Ozarks

2010-04-18T23:23:00.002-05:00

She pauses as hair falls across her face
A shiver builds resolve in her shoulders
She's quit counting scars she's earned in this place
And let the burn marks fade as ashes smolder.

In the far corner he sits in a chair
Watching as the door swings wide
There's too much to say in the thin mountain air
But he's found silence is the best place to hide.

Suddenly, although nothing happened
She covers the mars on her arm
He grimaced at the scars her tears can't dampen
The price to pay when love comes to harm.

a breath of fresh air to fill your lungs

2010-04-14T23:58:00.004-05:00

It's no small secret that I've been over analyzing just about everything I've ever said and or done in the last few weeks. I've been super cranky, had terrible headaches, and general grumpies.

Last minute I heard about a This Is Energy show tonight at the Hard Rock. Lucky it was free... and it was a Battle of The Bands... something about it felt like everything I needed tonight and it felt a little full circle. The first time I saw Adam (and Britton) perform was at a battle of the bands in a tiny little dive downtown before I was old enough to drive. So I yonked my mom's car and headed out when I would normally be in bed.

I've never been so glad for a lack of sleep. If Dave's guitar playing wasn't enough to lift my mood, the kiss off "If You Ever Make a Come Back" and "Let the World Know" were enough to let my frustration rise to the surface and steam away. By the time the guys launched in to "Just Breathe" I was willing to listen to a simple message that I've been all to willing to ignore as of late. I find it funny that I'm willing to listen to it now when Adam's singing it not to me, but I'm not willing to listen when Andrea's all but shoving it down my throat. There is something cathartic about a drum line pounding through your chest, a guitar playing your heart strings and a bass rolling through your ears. There's something healing about listening to a performance so passionate you have to close your eyes to keep from crying.

I had to ask Adam if he was still attending the church that we shared for that brief year and a half, or even the church that left me with scars and threw me into the church were we first met. He's not and somehow that's more refreshing than I can even explain. But it leaves me with one thought. God works all things for good. He was willing to turn one hellish experience into an chance to know someone who would play a role in encouraging me in my darkest hours. Even if all it led to was a reminder to breathe a decade later, God's got a plan we just have to follow it.

Alarms and chimes

2010-04-13T19:18:00.002-05:00

I spent some time this weekend just enjoying some simple pleasures, good jazz and a good book. I'm not entirely sure where I discovered these small passions. Sometimes I feel like the only member of the family who will put on a record and curl up with a book. More often than not I hear from my mother how she just can't get into the books and movies that my dad and I will lose entire days to. I also rarely hear my dad turn off the tv so he can lose himself in a great album. But somewhere there is a combination of their passions that turn me in to a book worm with an ear for a smooth trumpet and silky guitar. Thank God for that.

I needed that. I find that I need time away from people with a good book and good music. There are little "crankiness alarms" in my head that start sounding when I don't. I started realizing this and really embracing my coffee shop moments while I was away in college. It was the best thing I could have done and I'm not entirely sure why I let myself get away from it when I got back home.

Song of the day: Summer time by Duke Ellington

Flames of Memory

2010-04-07T09:50:00.003-05:00

A soft breeze, gentle as satin
Wafts across the path
Well beaten, smoothed over by
Clydesdales and wagon wheels.
I look back, still as marble
Remembering and forgetting
A tiny flame, barely candle bright
Burning our concrete bridge.

Song of the Day: Not What You Want by Ingram Hill

Burning bridges

2010-04-05T21:41:00.000-05:00

A comment was made to a friend today that sometimes you just have to burn your bridges and walk a way.
That's easier said than done when your bridges are concrete.
I started seriously considering if I'm neglecting burning my own bridges for the sake of not getting smoke in my eye.
Still I'm waiting by the phone... hoping my bridges don't have trolls living beneath them.

I'm afraid that there are diamonds letting you go

2010-03-28T18:43:00.001-05:00

Every other time I've been in this situation I've known what to do and how to handle it. Every other time I've been at a spot where I had to choose to stay and fight or leave, I've always known what to do. And almost every time a friend has been in this spot I've known how to deal with it. At this point... I'm torn. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
A piece of me feels like this will blow over because it always has. It always does. That's how things work with this relationship...
But then we're at the point where the relationship ends for me. It's been almost 5 years. That's my breaking point. I'm so tired. So tired of constantly bailing her out. Of constantly fixing her problems. So tired of pulling out information about who she is and what she's doing.

I don't have the energy for it. But then... maybe it's just that I'm tired of arguing. I've lost a sense of grace I used to have. I just don't know.

Promises, Promises

2010-03-25T23:28:00.001-05:00

Ah so I promised you stories from the weekend in OK! So here are a few... well, at least breif lessons learned... and maybe some stories.

Sand Springs is really far away from Tulsa when you've already been in the car two hours longer than neccessary.

When you can't say a word in certain company it seems to be the only word you need to say.

12 hours in a car with people you don't really know can drive you to drink.

It's hard to share a bed with someone you want to smack.

Lies are hard to digest.

The best places to be are tiny little dive bars you have to go looking for.

40 year old women don't need to wear mini skirts to said dive bars.

Dreams come true if you're willing to keep your eyes open and look for them.

The best lines are said when no one has a pen to write them down.

106.1 IS the BEST radio station in Oklahoma and even they repeat the same 25 songs.

"No Rain" by Blind Melon is not creatively ironic to play while it's snowing.

Flip flops are not the best shoes of choice when it's snowing. Neither are Toms.

Dry socks are worth stopping for and worth putting on while you're still in KMart.

Just because a man has dated a girl doesn't mean he's straight.

Never assume you didn't get the shot, but take another one anyway.

Looks can be decieving. Sometimes the chili cheese omlete is the best thing on the menu and the salsa kills the hashbrowns.

The green sauce will kill taste buds.

Mexican is always a safe bet.

If the restuarant smells like fish when you open the door chances are all your food will taste like fish.

Museums are meant to be enjoyed slowly and reverantly. Bouncing up and down like a five year old will get you yelled at and will cause all of your friends to consider just how closely they want to stand near you.

There is always one friend who is the "mom" of the group. Her kids are the reason she drinks. (If you're not sure if you're one of her kids, you probably are.)

Appearances can be everything.

It's worth walking barefoot through the snow to see the better appartment.

If a coffee house can't make a good cup-o-joe, chances are I can take it out.

Asking artists about their work will get you mad props.

Always ask the sales clerk at a local store about their favorite merch. You might just meet someone awesome and get a great music referrence too.

Some people are more than kind of awesome.

Finally if you don't set your boundaries, someone will press all your buttons.

Those are just some of the lessons we were reminded of. But the best is this: Hope comes in all sorts of ways and places. Sometimes it's the one who's giving advice, sometimes it's the one who needs it who creates it, but hope never travels alone. You've got to be open to people to see the hope in their lives.

Brief

2010-03-20T04:27:00.002-05:00

Never under estimate the power of balance. Never. Ever.

Every rose has a thorn

2010-03-19T02:32:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been full of awesome sauce and chilli cheese and bad ideas for my digestion. This weekend has been the first annual "Typing with purpose convference". A group of writers from various different backgrounds and with different styles have gathered to bounce off ideas and embrace the dissonance and make something (hopefully) beautiful out of it. Although, that's not how this weekend was billed it's what it's become and that's actually kind of amazing.

It was billed as just a weekend of friends.... but it quickly became a weekend of friends who like pens.

At the same time that we've all found something awesome to share with each other we're finding out what our limits are. I'll add some stories later.. I promise.

I heard the news today...

2010-03-15T01:09:00.000-05:00

I got word today that my best friend miscarried this week. It's brought about a series of emotions that seems to rest somewhere in a dynamic sense of loss and self-righteous anger and then concern.

A sense of loss because Peanut J Love Muffin was gonna be one kick but kid. And the kid in town who I could play aunt to when I can't see my neice and nephews in Nebraska. If Peanut tured out half as awesome as his parents he'd be one hell of a kid. I'm greiving the chance to see him grow up, and the chance to watch my friend watch him grow up. She is really ready to be a mom.
Which brings us to the self-righteous anger and concern. She's ready to be a mom, and there are very few people who I could say that of. She's not looking to fill a void in her life by having something to do or someone who loves her. She wants a family because she's ready to give all the rest of the love in her oversized heart to someone else in her family. She's so ready for it it hurts. She's so motherly that I sometimes wish she was old enough to be my mom so I could have yet another. And I mean that in the most sincerly happy way ever. She's a bake you cookies when you're having a bad day kind of mom. If you ever meet her, you'd know it right off the bat too. So the anger kicks in.
How could God not give her this kid when he's willing to let my crack head cousin have two? How could God not put a kid in to this insanely happy and healthy home when he'd put six into the unhealthy home my neice and nephews were saved from? How could he play with my friend's emotions to let her conceive but then not carry to term? Where the hell is the good in that?
Then the anger at society's phrases for this. It's always "So and so miscarried." or "She lost the child", there is always a tone of fault and it's always the mom's. That's not fair. Trust me there was nothing this girl could have done to have better prepared herself and her body to carry this kid. She wasn't running around lifting a million pounds or drinking or smoking or what have you. She created the best little home for the kid possible. If Peanut wasn't willing to stick around, that's not her fault at all.
The anger gives way to concern. What can I say to her that will make this better? Nothing. I can try but then again, there's nothing I can do. Not a single solitary thing that will make this different or better. I know she's crying her self to sleep. I know she wants to hide from the world, curl up in a little ball and let the world go away. I don't know how to pull her out of it and I don't know if I'd want to. If I were her I'd hate me for pulling me out of it. Then there's her husband who's become a friend as well. How does he go on with school and work when his world is falling apart? How does he save his wife with out throwing away everything they've worked so long and so hard for?

I don't have the answers to these questions although it's not the first I've been in this spot. It wasn't that long ago that I was asking the same questions when my brother and sister (in-love) suffered the loss of their first child. If you think of it, please say a little prayer for my friend and all the families who have lost loved ones particularly children. Lord knows that's the only way to save these broken hearts.

Ordinary Breakdown - Bleu

2010-03-12T23:16:00.001-06:00

OH yeah, I've been slacking on this whole thing.

This past month has been crazy. I say that every month right? Right. I can honestly say that I've lost myself just a little bit this past few weeks. What's scariest about that is the last week or so has been full of moments when I desperately needed to know myself and be fully aware of who and what I am. Yet the last three weeks I haven't been too sure.
In the middle of my breakdown I wound up calling an old friend (who already has a spot in the thank yous of a book that hasn't been published - We'll talk about the book later) and lamenting to her while we caught up on our lives. We wound up reminding and reassuring the other that we are, in fact, kind of awesome. The kind of awesome that leaves people who are just good (but not awesome) comfortable with being our friends, but leaves them longing to be just a little bit more like us.
Thank God I talked to her. She really is an angel. See, I was recalling every compliment I'd ever received about anything in the history of the ever ever and doubting its sincerity and the merit of the person who said it. Let me tell you, that is the lowest of the low feelings. That's the moment when you realize every last person has some terrible flaw and you wind up dismissing their compliments, then you realize that dismissing their compliments means that you are a stuck up self-righteous prick. Well, that's not fair. It means that you're acting like a stuck up self-righteous prick. Then you really start to doubt yourself.
It's a vicious cycle.

It's just an ordinary cycle every creative person goes through. But it can break people. And then people lose their passions and they settle for the job that the don't like, and don't even pass their former reasons for living off as a hobby.
What's great about realizing that this is where I was? Well, I'm past it for one. Two, it broke a writer's block of almost two months. (WOO!) and three, it came came complete with a "what-ever happened to that book you were supposed to be getting published?" Right. Right. Publishing... let's focus on a few articles in a few magazine's first. Before we do that how about we focus on not thinking we're a complete failure.
And not thinking you're a complete failure is a lot easier to do when your friends are also your fans. :)

So the song for this post is Ordinary Breakdown by Bleu... you don't know that song? You can't find it on his website (http://www.bleutopia.com/)? You've never heard of it? Oh. Sucks to be you. You need to go tweet to get him on the Ellen show... simple tweet something to the effect of "Yo @theellenshow I want @bleutopia to #GetOnEllen Watch him at www.youtube.com/bleuteub " and then if Bleu thinks you're as awesome as me and a few other people he'll send you a copy of the song for free. Why? Because he's AWESOME that's why. Just go do it. You'll thank me later when your friends are asking you how you got so awesome. "Oh, I just took Eli's advice and started being awesome."

I'm off to shower and then enjoy more Japan-animae.

5 days... and the count down winds

2010-02-19T19:00:00.001-06:00

Ah, 5 days before my birthday... I'm excited. I'm more excited for seeing friends in March, but I'm excited that the new year is still going my way and is still winding up on the plus side of the world. It's a good feeling.

Laaazy

2010-02-08T09:07:00.001-06:00

I've done a lot of packing and unpacking and organizing and reorganizing and arranging and rearranging in the past month. I've discovered at this point that I finally have no idea where my gym clothes have disappeared to (again). I can't say that I really care all that much at this point. Although come Wednesday if I haven't found them I'm likely to work out in my pjs just to get the time in at the gym.

It's amazing to me how something as simple as 30 minutes on an eliptical can completely change my perspective on the week and my general disposition to life. Particularly, when I didn't even think I liked going to the gym as recently as three months ago. But I get to lose myself in the songs on my ipod, shut my eyes and forget the world that surrounds me. When I find myself running in time to the music, ah it's the physical connection to the sound.

I really need to find out what box those gym clothes are in...

What the...?!

2010-01-27T09:18:00.001-06:00

So I don't really care too much for football (surprise! right?) however, every freaking year I end up watching the Super bowl for the half time show and commercials and Dad has the tenants up to watch the game to "start the year off with some camaraderie to thank them for last year's rent".

Every year the biggest advertiser is Anheiser-Busch (A-B) which was once the oldest and largest American brewer and was based in St. Louis... until they sold out to Belgian-Brazilian owned InBev in 2008 to become A-B InBev. (That caused an immediate and steadily increasing drop in sales. Why they assumed St. Louis and Missourians wouldn't notice the buyout of St. Louis' largest employer I don't know. Why they assumed that we would still drink their Belgian beer when we don't drink the rest of their crap, I don't know. We have other awesome breweries in St. Louis we can and did turn to.) The trademark beer for A-B was Budweiser. It's a basic beer. Bud Light was the basic redneck counter part.

The icon for Budweiser made an appearance every Superbowl, and that icon was the Clydesdale. Every year (without break since 2001 and prior to that for at least as long as I've been alive) we could count on watching a Clydesdale -a large and majestic horse- pull a sleigh through snow to deliver it's riders to the brewery, and watch the leading Clydesdale kick a winning field goal. The horse as a long time icon for A-B - ever since a Clydesdale pulled the delivery sleigh to the white house for the president's first beer after prohibition ended- became an icon for St. Louis.

Early this week the advertisements for the Superbowl were announced. As usual the largest advertiser with 5 minutes of air time is A-B InBev. As expected, Bud Light commercials are going to be funny. As planned, InBev's smaller breweries are getting more air time.
Surprisingly, there are no Clydesdale's in this year's line up. Not one. Not even a guest spot in the back. Not even stumbling on set in the background. Not even a toy Clydesdale in a child's hand.

Now, I'm all for change. I'm a big fan of changing ad campaigns when they don't work. But Clydesdales are tradition and a good one. That's a tradition that was voted as a high contender for favorite ad by readers of the USA Today. That's a tradition that not only St. Louisians, Missourians and Midwesterners love, it's loved nation wide. It's a tradition that brings to mind Thomas Kincaid and Norman Rockwell Christmases while simultaneously creating an excitement of a race track and the soothing joy of a cold beer on a summer's day.

It's a dumb move on their part. If I was still drinking, if I was still drinking their European-South American stale goat urine I would never touch it again. I would rather starve than drink a Budweiser now.

Privacy

2010-01-20T17:04:00.001-06:00

Never underestimate the value of privacy.

Misread...

2010-01-05T19:19:00.000-06:00

Productivity sucks when you have a headache. I find my self knowing full well that there's a million of things that I should be doing, and not doing them because the left side of my head feels like someone is trying to pop it like a pimple.

Other things: I need to buy glasses. I don't want to. But I need new glasses that aren't from ten years ago so when my contacts give up the ghost I've got something.
I still need that car.
I still need an apartment and potential roommate.
I still need a lot.

But this year looks promising. There's no where left to go but up!

Song for the day, for mostly one verse
Misread - Kings of Convenience

How come no one ever told me, the loneliest people all through out history, were the ones who always spoke the truth, the ones who made a difference by withstanding indifference. Should I take that risk or just smile?

Hammers and tetanus shots...

2010-01-03T22:33:00.000-06:00

The new year starts and my mom and I have started the mission of finally remodeling the basement. We ripped up the sub floor of the small room (soon to be my bed room -again) I'm actually looking forward to doing this. It's amazing the invigorating feeling you can get get from tearing into a floor and destroying the parts of your home that just aren't up to snuff... well, so long as you know that they'll get put back together again.
Somewhere along the way, I managed to drag a nail into my knee and while it's only skin deep, I'm a little worried. I'm fully aware of the amount of mildew in that room as well as the amount of spider webs. So I'm hoping for some high quality anti-biotic ointment to kick in and save me from dying in my sleep tonight, because death would be a really crappy way to start off a year that I'm so excited for.
Song for the day.. .mostly for the chorus...
Hanson - Next Train...
Well, I finally found tomorrow cause I just now found today.
And I'm left with all this sorrow lingering from yesterday.

So I'm leaving this behind on the next train, To a place where I don't know
Well, I may not arrive on the best train, But I'm tired of trying to let go

Well, I'd love for you to be there on the day I say goodbye
But I've lost too much to ghosts here to even waste a sigh

So I'm leaving this behind on the next train, To a place where I don't know
Well, I'm leaving this behind and the next pain, Cause I'm tired of trying to let go

Well you're the drugs in my vein, You lift me up and leave me pain, I'm broken beaten barely sane
So leave it on the next train
I'd gladly stay to wade it through and find out what it meant to you, but it's clear to me this time so I'm leaving this behind.

Happy....

2009-12-31T21:49:00.001-06:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Snow Blanket!

2009-12-30T12:33:00.001-06:00

I have long held tight to my theory that snow is nature's way of curling up in a blanket, that snow is God laying down a blanket and enouraging the world to slow down and savor the quiet. Maybe I can hold to this theory because my home doesn't get six feet of snow, maybe I hold on to this because at most a foot of snow and ice each winter, Welcome to the lower midwest... the weather kind of sucks. I think I've held to this theory the most because every animal pauses and hunkers down with friends and family or their favorite thing when it snows and waits for things to settle. Birds stop flying, squirrels settle in with their favorite nuts, dogs grab their favorite bones and cozy up by the fire or close to their master's feet. Everything stops. Everything cozy ups. Even wool blankets get softer.
All day long it has snowed soft clumps of cold cozy. I've had one of the best views of it all day long. It's a slow snow so it hasn't built up on streets but we've got a few inches built up on bushes and lawns.
After the last two weeks, I've needed a good reason to curl up with a good book, some good jazz and my favorite pet and blanket.

I haven't listed a song in a while, so there's the song that's been stuck in my head as of late...
Georgia on My Mind - Ray Charles (I kid you not, Ray Charles is a genius. If you somehow don't have this, go buy it on iTunes NOW. I'm serious.)

Georgia, Georgia,The whole day through,
Just an old sweet song,Keeps Georgia on my mind

Yeah, Georgia, Georgia,
A song of you, Comes as sweet and clear,
As moonlight through the pines
Other arms reach out to me, Other eyes smile tenderly,
Still in peaceful dreams I see, the road leads back to you
I said Georgia, Ooh Georgia, no peace I find
Just an old sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind

Other arms reach out to me, Other eyes smile tenderly
Still in peaceful dreams I see, The road leads back to you
Georgia, Georgia, No peace, no peace I find, Just this old, sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind
I said just an old sweet song,
Keeps Georgia on my mind

You're busy wasting life...

2009-12-29T09:04:00.000-06:00

My iPod is on another Hanson kick... we're up to ten Hanson songs in a row. I would take this as a sign that I have too much Hanson for a healthy shuffle balance, but it's not true. I'll go for days where I wouldn't hear a Hanson song unless I qued it up. Maybe my shuffle just sucks... either way the play list sounds awesome: Believe, Tearing It Down, Leave the Light On, Strong Enough to Break, I've Been Down, Blue Sky, Go, Got a Hold on Me, I Am, Use Me Up, My Own Sweet Time... I'm scared to find out what's next...

Little Victories

2009-12-28T21:12:00.002-06:00

All the more lately... I am reminded of the fact that the Lord will provide and that I am ok.

She's gone

2009-12-23T08:16:00.002-06:00

That does it. My car is dead. She's dead and about to be gone. I'm not a fan. Now was not the time for her to die. Not at all.

Critic

2009-12-22T11:32:00.000-06:00

Life threw me some curve balls and I promptly set about over analyzing everything. A song about the circus became a song about life. A poem about a sunset became a poem about how people screw you over; a picture of an island became an isolationist movement. I want nothing more at this point than to listen to a song and not try to dissect it. I don't know that I have any music that doesn't have enough depth to it that I can't tear into it... wait... I've got some Hello Goodbye... that should be superficial enough. That’s like trying to bite in to a concrete wall of nothing.

Ask Rudolph and he won't steer you wrong

2009-12-21T08:27:00.000-06:00

I am decidedly not in the holiday mood. I put on a really good front. There's garland and candy canes at my desk, there's a Christmas tree in my living room and a Christmas villiage burried in my parent's basement. Somehow, in all of the decoration, I didn't wind up listening to too much Christmas music and music can seriously change your mood.
Life threw some serious curve balls at me this weekend and I have to find some way to balance back out. Christmas is among the least of my concerns right now. Between my car falling apart and apartment leases running out, I just don't see a whole lot of time for Christmas. Still everyone in my office seems to be feeling at least some of the spirit. Hopefully that will rub off of them and on to me just enough to feel like I had a Christmas this year.
Maybe I wont need luck. Maybe, just a little Snowed In and a little Josh Groban and I'll be in the mood. Just keep the misletoe far far away from me.

Quiet

2009-12-18T07:49:00.000-06:00

I left my headphones at home. The silence is deafening. Mostly because as much as I wish it were, it's not actually silent. There's enough ambient noise here to drive me insane. Oh where are my headphones!

Unproductive

2009-12-17T22:02:00.000-06:00

Today was an unproductive day. However, I have decided that it's high time for me to start working out more often. I'm so sore from the workout yesterday, but it's a good feeling. I've realized that I miss this feeling. I used to get this feeling every day while I was walking home from school or hiking across campus. Ever since I've been back in town I can't say that I've really felt the burn of pushing myself. I'm looking forward to feeling the burn again.

Song for the day : Kings of Convenience -Boat Behind

Book stores and pens

2009-12-16T09:02:00.000-06:00

After two hours and selecting 8 novels I realized I hadn't picked up a single gift for anyone at the book store last night. So I headed off to the journal corner to pick up one for a gift. The funny thing is the thing I am most excited about getting was the one thing I keep telling people I don't want; another journal. I think I figured out why I'm excited and why I don't want one from someone else.
Journals are supposed to suit the person who's writing them. Journals I've received from other people suit them or suit their idea of me but they don't quite hit the mark. The one I picked up last night, soft green leather, with an imprinted Celtic cross, is me to a tee. The modern art stained glass journal I received when I was 21 was too much of a mess, the flower print I received when I was 19 was too large and imposing.
The last time I bought a journal for my self was the summer after my senior year, I was 18. I stared at a copy of that exact journal -one journal I never thought I'd see again- and, although I was on the phone with a friend, I gasped, stopped, and lost myself in the emotion I poured into that book. I was faced with the worst question. Do I buy a copy of that journal (the original was filled and then destroyed -burned, I believe- at least three years ago) and rewrite the year I want so badly to forget? Do I rewrite it with renewed perspective? Or - possibly the healthiest alternative - do I leave the journal I loved for one that I'll love now and write myself away from the past and in to my future? I must have asked the question aloud because my friend answered. "Get a new one. Move on. I'm trying to move on too. We don't need to relive that... again."
So I've got a new green leather journal. It's nice, but approachable. It suits me. I got my friend a journal too. It's striped, and more casual. It suits her. Hopefully, it suits all of her and not just my perception of her, but chances are when she finds the journal section of her book store she'll find one better.

My Heart - Paramore
I am finding out that maybe I was wrong/ That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone/ Stay with me/ This is what I need please
Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you/ We could sing our own but what would it be without you
I am nothing now/ and it's been so long/ since I've heard a sound, the sound of my only hope/ This time I will be listening.
Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you/ We could sing our own but what would it be without you
This heart, it beats it beats for only you/ This heart it beats, beats for only you. /This heart it beats, beats for only you./ My heart is yours. /This heart it beats, beats for only you./ My heart is yours.

Ever since I put your picture in a frame

2009-12-15T08:33:00.000-06:00

A friend sent me a few pictures yesterday and I was struck by just what makes a great photo. There are pictures that are fantastic -true works of art- and there are the pictures that we cling to and would run back into a burning building for - these pictures rarely are worthy of art galleries.
We tend to forget the beauty of pictures and the value of letters and music thanks to the instant access over the internet.
But nothing has made me feel more valued or more loved than to know that my friends have pictures of us all in a frame, that they've hung on to hand written letters and that they dance to the songs we've shared. The letters aren't well written, the pictures are pretty bad, the songs are corny.

Picture in a Frame - Tom Waits
Sun come up it was blue and gold
Sun come up it was blue and gold
Sun come up it was blue and gold
ever since I put your picture
in a frame.

I come calling in my Sunday best
I come calling in my Sunday best
I come calling in my Sunday best
ever since I put your picture
in a frame

I'm gonna love you
till the wheels come off
oh yea

I love you baby and I always will
I love you baby and I always will
I love you baby and I always will
ever since I put your picture
in a frame

Re-evaluating

2009-12-14T08:42:00.000-06:00

It's the end of the year, and friends and I have been talking. This seems to be the best time to slough off the old skin and bad relationships. All year long we make excuses and we take a load of crap from "friends" just because. At a certain point you have to figure out if it's a trend for that person, and if it's worth it to take the excuse. Maybe it's in the spirit of a new years resolution; maybe it's in the spirit of not wasting money on a gift for a person you won't talk to in a week, maybe it's in the spirit of preserving your own sanity. Whatever the nature of actually evaluating your friendships if we all did it more often maybe we wouldn't wind up being so hurt so often, and maybe we'd be better friends ourselves.

In the spirit of that, and some pretty bitter slaps in the face yesterday, the song for the day...
On My Way - Ingram Hill
I don't want your old letters, I don't want to be friends
I've had enough to last a life time, and I don't want to go again,
I don't have to find a reason, and I don't have to answer why,
Doesn't matter who is wrong here, I just want to see you cry.
On my way, I'll take the sunshine, on my way I'll take your dreams
On my way I'll say I'm sorry to no one but me.
So let your family know I'm leaving, lie to your girlfriends that you're well
Call and leave a crying message, I want to know it hurts like hell
On my way I'll take the sunshine, on my way I'll take your dreams
On my way I'll say I'm sorry to no one but me.
On my way, I'll be my own man, and I'll only please myself,
On my way, my pride's the only feeling I've got left.

Disappointing.

2009-12-13T23:55:00.000-06:00

Ok... so the walk was disappointing. Small. Cold. But it was a good day.
The Christmas tree went up. I cleaned most of the house. Drew did dishes and Von was all around awesome. I have to say, it was a great day with Von. She's been a blessing. It's good to know she's got my back, even when the rest of the world seems to have abandoned me. She's awesome.

And we're walking...

2009-12-13T12:19:00.001-06:00

*Deep breath* The second walk I've hosted will be starting in just under 2 hours. I am pretty well prepared, and have a hope -with reason to believe- that it will be at least twice as good as the last one. I am still nervous as hell. I'm winging the speech. I'm assuming everyone who's coming has done this before. I'm gonna wing it. I'm good with words and making it up on the spot. Still I can't help but think that this is a mistake.
It's too late for anything else now.

Well, here it goes. If you're in the St. Louis area... come on over to the arch at 2. We'll start walking at 2:30. We'll meet at the corner of Market and Memorial.

Nerd love

2009-12-12T19:34:00.001-06:00

Last night on the way over to my parents house for a hockey game and the first night of Hanukkah, my brother commented on a rather strange train of thought "I love the juxtaposition of loquacious and bombastic" and proceeded to refer to the OED. I paused, it was a brief pause. And all I could say before I launched in to a monologue about how much I love the irony of the word bombastic was "You have no idea how much nerd love I have for you right now for assuming I would know what you mean by referring to the OED". Trust me, I knew what he was referring. OED = Oxford English Dictionary. The OED schools the Merriam-Webster dictionary. The OED is a book of words. It's the story of every word in the English language. It's the end all of dictionaries. And I want one. I would all but die for one. I've wanted one since I heard of it, and craved one since I've seen one and held volumes of it in my hand. Nothing quite replaces the feel of the soft leather binding, the gold trimmed onion skin paper, and knowledge of generations. Everyone who's met me or talked to me in December for the last five years -at least- knows that what I really want for Christmas is an OED. I doubt I'll own one for a long long time. You see the OED costs about $1,000. No matter how you dice that, it's the down payment on a car, a large chunk of student loans, or funds to buy a new wardrobe. It's hard to justify a thousand dollars on a dictionary. But, if you ever feel like you want to get me the best Christmas / Hanukkah present ever, drop a few bucks on a OED.

Happy Hanukkah guys. Believe me if the chicken my brother made is any indication, the Lord will be providing some awesome this year.

Dry.

2009-12-11T09:41:00.000-06:00

The only bad thing about winter is that heaters dry out the air. Hard core. Static has never been this bad. Add to that the freezing temperatures, and as my boss put it today "it feels like your skin is bein pulled off".

Shelter - Sherwood
Years spent out in the rain,
Thrown in the mud, Come dry us again
We've got nothing to show,
No where to go, Give shelter again
Throats are dry, Let us sing
Bones are cold, Bring us heat
Mountains high, Let us dream
Call us homeward again.

Muggy.

2009-12-10T14:18:00.003-06:00

Why is it everyone is willing to buy me or sell me a coffee mug but no coffee? This is not fair. Well, I mean... it's not unfair... but... come on.

Blustery Blues or Joyful Jazz?

2009-12-10T08:52:00.000-06:00

So the cold front moved in to the country. We really have to do something about this weather immigration from Canada.
I started my annual game of "Is that ice?" this morning. It's a game where as you walk you have to decide if that section of concrete is covered with ice or not. Sometimes you can tell, sometimes you don't know until you've fallen flat on your butt. If you stay standing you win. Fall you lose. Easy enough. So far, I'm winning. My boss is losing. (HA!)
Winter seems to bring me into my more obscure passions in music. I've put aside the rock in favor of classical, jazz and blues and Gregorian chants. It always starts off so innocently, a Bing Crosby movie. The next thing you know I've got Nina Simone and Diana Krall singing in the morning, The Irish Tenors and Vivaldi in the afternoon, and Tom Waits and Louis Armstrong in the evening.
Somehow this transition makes it a lot easier to deal with the fact that I'm freezing and stressed...
hmm all I hear when I hear "stressed" is the strained staccato of the trumpet in Tom Waits "Midnight Lullaby"
Sing a song of sixpence, pocket full of rye
Hush-a bye my baby, no need to be crying.
You can burn the midnight oil with me
As long as you will
Stare out at the moon
Upon the windowsill, and dream...

Sing a song of sixpence, pocket full of rye
Hush-a bye my baby, no need to be crying.
There's dew drops on the window sill,
Gumdrops in your head
Slipping into dream land,
You're nodding your head, so dream...

Dream of West Virginia, or of the British Isles
'Cause when you are dreaming,
You see for miles and miles.
When you are much older, remember when we sat
At midnight on the windowsill,
And had this little chat
And dream, come on and dream,
Come on and dream, and dream, and dream.

It's beginning to feel a lot like...

2009-12-09T09:06:00.000-06:00

winter.
It's a blustery 30 degrees outside. WINDY. and COLD.
I sit relatively warm, in my office with a giant freaking window and can watch the snow build up while I'm supposed to be working. It's quite the view. Grey sky over grey buildings and tiny white specs like the world's reception has gone fuzzy. I'm sure every other adult in the office is lamenting what traffic will be, and is complaining about the dismal sky.
For me though, this is what I live for.

I am reminded of my years in college and the drive across the state to get up north to Northwest Missouri State. There are tons of nearly deserted two lane highways that take you through small towns, over hills and wind you around farms. I almost always found a way to make this drive at night. I could plan to leave home at 6 am and wouldn't wind up making it out the door until sunset. Countless times I managed to leave St. Louis just barely in time to make it to my first class the next day. My favorite drive was on a January evening. I was the only car on the road for miles and in the deep dark of a Missouri night it snowed heavy lumpy snow.
There is a sense of quiet peace when it snows, as if the world collectively grabs the blankets and cuddles up with a cup of hot coco and a good book or turns on the radio for quiet session of the Prairie Home Companion.
Song for the day: At Christmas (you guessed it) Hanson.
"Snow's falling down as you step out of your car
Present in you arms and you've traveled far
Someone opens the door with a smile on their face
And you know you've come to the right place

Family nestled by the fire
Christmas hopes to inspire
Loved ones by your side
You know you'll kiss your babies goodnight..."

Is it January, yet?

2009-12-08T14:34:00.001-06:00

There's a deep breath before the holidays. A moment where every thing rushes in on you and the whirlwind surrounds every tiny project that you need to complete before the end of the year. A deep breath in. And the world holds its breath.

That's where I am. I'm in the middle of running to prepare, running to figure out how to make it all work. And now I've done all I can and I just have to wait. I have to just pause and wait for the calendar to catch up with me and tell me if it will fall into place. I'm not sure how it will. The schedules are so busy. The deadlines at work and due dates on bills and Christmas presents just don't want to work together.

That is -I think - the magic of the holidays, the world starts breathing again. You get to exhale. And if it worked, fantastic! If it fell apart, well, you have a story to tell next year when it does work. But regardless, we're breathing.

There's so much going on that to start to tell the details of any one thing would invite the world of crazy in on me, but there's a line in Sherwood's song "Not Gonna Love" that goes "I am a favorite in a fight that I can't win, so every morning I take another on the chin, but I never know what round I'm in." And that is my theme for the week.

Jack Frost nipping at your nose

2009-12-07T10:55:00.000-06:00

What is it about cold that actually hurts when it hits you? I'm sure there's a scientific rational for it. I'm sure.

My office is pretty much constantly cold. The front door doesn't seal all the way, so there is a draft in the foyer, and the only thing that seperates the foyer from me is a window... a sliding window with no insulation. It's drafty and cold. This I've grown accustomed to. I wear an extra jacket at pretty much all times. I have a blanket I curl up in, my boss is going to get me space heater for Christmas, the matienance guys are looking at fixing the door (also a Christmas pressent?) This cold doesn't bother me that much any more.
Walking into the hallway, though, there was a slight breeze of cool air and I felt every inch of my body twich in pain. The cold, the air, sent chills through me that literally hurt. I wanted to drop to the floor right then and curl into a ball to warm up. That would have been completely pointless, because the breeze would continue to chill me.

I think that it has to do with the fact that cold is just the absence of heat. Cold is the absence. And absence hurts.

Oh scientifically the pain is due to the contraction of blood vessals to control the flow of blood to your skin to maintain a constant central body heat...

But the lingering feeling of loss that comes with that chill, that's from the absence.

My Own Sweet Time - Hanson (someday I'll pull out a song not Hanson... but my ipod has decided the first 16 songs of this "Shuffle All Songs" play list should be Hanson... well ok then.)

Hello, goodbye my friend
Feels like the start all over again
But I'd rather not pretend
There aren't things still left to mend
Somebody break my fall
I'm slipping down all over again

I'd do it all over
Taking my own sweet time
I may make it slower
But I'm taking my own sweet time
I'm taking my own sweet...

Tell me where I begin
You can't deny what's already been
I won't break but I can bend
Shaping the scars that I can't mend
Feel your fingers around my throat
There's nothing but bones beneath my skin
Somebody break my fall
I'm slipping down all over again

I'd do it all over
Taking my own sweet time
I may make it slower
But I'm taking my own sweet time
I'm taking my own sweet...

I'd do it all over
Taking my own sweet time
I'm taking my own sweet time
I'd do it all over again, my friend

Say my friend
You know I'd do it all over again...
Again

Hello, goodbye my friend
Until we start all over again
Somebody break my fall
I'm slipping down all over again

I'd do it all over
Taking my own sweet time
I may make it slower
But I'm taking my own sweet time
I'm taking my own sweet...

I'd do it all over
Taking my own sweet time
I'm taking my own sweet...
I may make it slower
But i'm taking my own sweet time
I'm taking my own sweet time
Over again
Ahhh do it all over
Hello goodbye my friend
Until we start all over...
Start all over again
Say do it all over again
Do it all over
Hello goodbye my friend
Until we start all over
Start all over
Oh i'll do it all over again
You know i'd do it all over again

Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do(until it fades)

In Memoriam

2009-12-06T22:51:00.001-06:00

It's finally starting to feel like Christmas... and I'm loving that. It's snowing as I type this. I got wrapped up in the Gaither Vocal Band last night, and in Bing Crosby's "White Christmas". If this isn't Christmas I don't know what is.
I'm headed back to my bed tonight and while not living with my parents is a boon, I'm not really looking forward to it. The parent's are back from Nebraska, and I'm headed by to my apartment after watching the dogs all week. It's been a blast and I really, really, (no seriously, I really mean it, really) like living by my self. I like being able to watch whatever I want with out comment from a roommate or to be able to make whatever I want for dinner, with no regard to anyone else, and I love not being aware of anyone else's bed time.

Someday I'll be on my own... someday...

In Memoriam - Everybody Else
Took a sip from a bottle of orange soda

Suddenly you were back
On my bike years ago
While sharing the camera
You passed by, so quickly

I remember you
So remember me
As i was back then
In my ripped blue jeans
Moments ago
It seems to me
That we were just kids
In a memory

I still see the blue, sunken barge
Down by the shore and i
Can taste the blackberry juice on our fingers
But there’s an echo of careless, callow footsteps
That run by so quickly

I remember you
So remember me
As i was back then
In my ripped blue jeans
Moments ago
It seems to me
That we were just kids in a memory
In a memory

It feels good to forget how wonderful it was
In the noise of a crowd
But sometimes cars in the night
Sound like the ocean and
Then i swear
I'm back there
Seems so real
It disappears

I remember you
So remember me
As i was back then
In my ripped blue jeans
Moments ago
It seems to me that we were just kids in a memory
Moments ago
It seems to me
That we were just kids
In a memory
Moments ago
It seems to me
That we were just kids in a memory
In a memory
In a memory

2009-12-06T02:47:00.001-06:00

So I claim this post for Dec 5th. I haven't been to bed so I think it still counts although it's clearly the 6th. I sit here at the computer surrounded by literature, published and not, medieval and modern, epic and brief. I can't think of anything more fitting for this day. It was a day I spent trying to avoid life at most any cost save a visit from my brother. The notion of sleeping, of crashing in bed for long after the time that I woke was one I wanted to savor. Now I find myself not wanting to find the bed because it will make this short week all the closer to ending. So I've surrounded myself in literature to keep my mind entertained as my body starts to cry for the bed.

It's a bittersweet balance.

Song of the day: Make It Through - Sherwood

I know exactly where you are
So I don't strain to see your light shine in the dark
But I didn't know, the winter cold would leave us moving so slow
And will summer bring the feeling back to our toes?
Until it does can I just make it through?

Cause I don't know where I've gone wrong
And I can't find where I belong without you
Make it through
Cause I don't know where I've gone wrong
And I can't find where I belong without you

I'll weave the roads on every map
Into a cord that wraps you up and pulls you back
Cause I didn't know, the winter cold would leave us moving so slow
And will summer bring the feeling back to our toes?
Until it does can I just make it through?

Cause I don't know where I've gone wrong
And I can't find where I belong without you
Make it through
Cause I don't know where I've gone wrong
And I can't find where I belong
Oh I can't find where I belong, without you

Unrequited Love...

2009-12-04T01:46:00.001-06:00

So I've mentioned my writing to a few of my friends... and I've been able to dance around really sharing much so I thought today would be a pretty fitting day to throw a few more out there, so they can tell me I'm awesome and mean it... :) I mean... they can tell me what they think... this means you...honestly.

Unlucky Fates-
We sit at mahogany tables
gods and goddesses circle above
Chilled to the core
From the wind of their golden wings.
Whispers of wit and wine settle into our ears
Entertaining thoughts of fire places and knightly battles
Too close to Olympia yet dying in Hades
We lay in the cradle of demigods
with manure in our beds.

Hello - Goodbye
The thought crosses my mind that you're gone
But you infiltrated every thing
All the little things
Highways, songs, notebooks
Your voice, your name
Just the same as the last day,
Just the same as the first day
The moment you said hello
I was looking for goodbye.
People generally find what they're looking for
So I'll give you back your blanket
And give me back my games
Give me the goodbye I've wanted and end it.

Card Exchange
It's not that we're dying...
It's that you're not trying.

The Christmas card family is
Melting in the fireplace
While he sits there watching her
Kissing the lips on a strangers face.
Desperate to hear a word from the other side of the table
As if a breath could make her a happy wife
He leaps at the sound of her breathing and if he's able
He clings to her lips as she breathes her way out of his life.

Rain in Iowa
Rain drops fall slow but steady
Wise men say they'll fall all evening
That they're falling over you already
The world cries for you leaving.

Still I hold on to your jacket
As though you'll come for it
I curl up in our bed under heavy blankets
Smother out the pain forsaking comfort.

Friends bring over coffee cake
And summer sausage casseroles to feed no one.
So with Nature, I cry tears to fill your lake
I am left to mourn now to Avalon you've gone.

Otherside of the World...

2009-12-03T11:06:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've cried. Really cried, cried so hard I couldn't breathe.
It's been a while since I've laughed. Really laughed, laughed so hard I hurt.
It's been a while since I've relaxed. Really relaxed, relaxed so much I melted.
It's been a while since I've been mad. Really mad, mad enough to punch.

It's been a while since I've felt. I've been pretty wrapped up in a state of constant stress and annoyance for well over a month now. Thanksgiving (at work and at home) is always loaded down with expectations and stress. It is not my holiday. It is awkward and uncomfortable. It's a big giagantic Sunday dinner with added demands and family drama.
So I've been a bit numb to pretty much anything other than this stress until last night.
I got home to find my brother there. I had been looking forward to a night alone, to embrace my own dorkiness and an early bed time. I went straight from agrivated to mad.
We wound up watching the Muppets and I laughed on of those full body laughs.
He left and I wound up checking my voice mail and I stumbled on a concert call from a friend... and I cried. Blubbering waste of energy cry.
And then I took a deep breath and relaxed. Curled up on the bed and read Beowulf.

I haven't had a night that emotionally draining and fulfilling since October.

So todays song, is the song from the concert call, Song To Sing - Hanson.
Goodbye four leaf clovers
Hello gone awry
Don't cry the fight ain't over
Unless you let it pass you by

I'm looking for a song to sing
I'm looking for a friend to borrow
I'm looking for my radio
So I might find a heart to follow
I've never been just longing for your loving
I've never been just wearing down to nothing
I've never been just looking for a reason
So that maybe you'd be thinking of me

All that I have found in reason
Is reason just to not believe
When all that you're left is treason
It's treason just to let it be

I'm looking for a song to sing
I'm looking for a friend to borrow
I'm looking for my radio
So I might find a heart to follow
I've never been just longing for your loving
I've never been just wearing down to nothing
I've never been just looking for a reason
So that maybe you'd be thinking of me

Blue yonder dreams and second hand shoes
You're so far gone that you live to close
And it's too late to go home all alone
You're the tar in that old cigar
And the worn out cable on a cable car
And you're too tired to admit you've got to chose

I'm looking for a song to sing
I'm looking for a friend to borrow
I'm looking for my radio
So I might find a heart to follow
I've never been just longing for your loving
I've never been just wearing down to nothing
I've never been just looking for a reason
So that maybe you'd be thinking of me

Tiny pick me ups

2009-12-02T15:42:00.000-06:00

Long and tough day... and it was all made better by a Werther's Orginal. Mmm a small moment to breathe and enjoy the tiny candy I forgot I had in my desk.

"You can't buy a can of spam with a metaphore"- SA

2009-12-02T10:00:00.000-06:00

Even on World AIDS Day, I was finding the hope for and the encouragement for action to change the problems of AIDS and poverty in Africa hard to find. Oh, people were all about the talk, but not the walk. Disgruntled and a little discouraged (but not defeated, never defeated) I wandered into my living room and flipped on the Colbert Report. He had, as his guest, Sherman Alexie.
For those of you who aren't familiar, Sherman Alexie is a Native American (Spokane/Coeur d'Alene) writer who's written tons of awesome books. He gives glimpses into what it means to be a Native today, and how that culture struggles to survive in today’s technological fast paced world. He is the voice to the opportunity cost of progress.

I suggest taking a brief moment out of your day to check out either Alexie’s site or his appearance on Colbert. Never before have I seen Colbert bested, close, but never bested, until last night.

Last night, Alexie stood up for culture, the culture of story telling, specifically. I'm not talking about sitting around a fire and telling stories, we're talking about a community joining together to embrace a story, people stopping to savor a book, or a poem, or well written newspaper. There was a time where -believe it or not- people would get together with their friends and share poems and stories they'd written as a popular form of entertainment. There was a time when a poet was respected, when our culture might not have kept every writer fed but it was no disgrace to choose the written word for a life plan. That same culture demanded that the writers know how to write, that they be well read, that they stuck to some basic rules of grammar, that they didn't spell "car corner" "kar Korna". That culture which was a common thread between all cultures -all Native tribes, English, French, Chinese, Russian, German, Indian, Swahili- is in a state of decline and on the verge of being lost to a world of poorly written 140 character posts.

Tell me how much can be said in 140 characters and spaces or less. Tell me how long those words stay with you. Tell me everyone in your neighborhood identifies with those words. Tell me you discuss a blog over coffee. Tell me a zest for words and a flourish to a story can be loved and not mocked as melodramatic. Tell me English majors aren't the only ones who don't laugh a poetic venture. Tell me Alexie isn't fighting a losing battle.

Song for the day: Skywatcher by Xanadu
And the sun sets over the trees,
and the clouds roll in before dark
The skywatchers shows them all
as the darkness comes on in. Right on in.
The stars they fill the sky
The moons they fill his eyes
He is sitting in the medow
Watching the satelights
He's the sky watcher
He's the sky watcher
Watching the sky falling away
Watching the clouds move on for another day
He's the sky watcher
He's the sky watcher
The sky it turns its colors
For the night is setting in
Sky watcher takes his place
For his heart is lost in space
People never knew what he does
They never did
They just laugh and call him names
Until the sky began to rain
You see, he knew there was something more
He knew they wouldn't understand
Never had a normal life to love
Received his life from the sky above
He's the sky watcher
He's the sky watcher
Watching the sky falling away
Watching the clouds move on for another day
He's the sky watcher
He's the sky watcher

World AIDS Day...

2009-12-01T13:44:00.000-06:00

"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world".

Ah! December first! My day to breathe! Yes, November is over! Now to settle in for Hanukah and Christmas and the winter solstice!

Wait... December first... isn't there something going on today?

*think think think*

World AIDS Day! Duh!

All year long -I can honestly say that- I have been walking for AIDS treatment. I was walking in Tulsa in May, in St. Louis in July, in Tulsa, St. Louis and Minneapolis in October. I've been buying shirts and trinkets and making donations across the board all year long and today the whole world is going to join this quest! How exciting! How hopeful!

*Sigh*

There's still more work to do.

I woke up this morning and after a brief fight with my alarm clock, I though "hmm...December 1st... AIDS Day... and I'm hosting a walk in two weeks... two weeks... CRAP!"

I hadn't sent in final information about location and times to takethewalk.net. I hadn't started telling ANYONE about the walk. Two weeks and I've done close to nothing. I'd been so wrapped up in Thanksgiving preparations for work and family and trying to breathe and stay sane that I completely forgot that I had something planned. "I'll get to it later" I kept thinking. No, I didn't.

I set straight away to sending out the information needed.

And, so long as the fates are with me, I'll be hosting a Walk under the St. Louis Arch Dec 13th at 2pm.

But the fear of yet another tiny ineffective walk is weighing on me. I've hosted a walk before... we had six walkers, myself included. Granted it was JULY, and it was HOT, and HUMID. But I vowed then that the next one would be better.

But I haven't set this up well at all.

While I was feeling a bit like a colossal let down, a friend had a round about way of picking me up. (Thanks Michelle.) Somewhere along her own laments, I was reminded of an old quote...so old I don't have the slightest clue who said it. "To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world".

I may, in fact, be on the path to yet another tiny walk, and I may yet again feel as though I've done virtually nothing for this cause, but even if there's only two walkers, we've helped some one else. We've impacted the life of someone else, we may even save. We may actually be the hope for life for someone. That's no small thing. Even if that's all that I can ever claim to have done, I've walked a mile, I've been the action of hope. I may never physically comfort a child dying of aids, or treat an ailing mother, but I've taken some action to change their fate.

To quote Taylor Hanson: "You just have to keep going. So there weren't hundreds of people. You still made a difference. You're still making a change: keep going, keep learning, keep fighting, keep walking. Then make the next mile better, and walk another."

So today's song as odd as it is...

Hope It Comes Soon - Hanson.
Well I hope it comes now, Well I hope it comes soon,
Well, I think it’s about time I stopped waiting for you.

You know, there’s no where else to pass the buck, this time.
We run every time it’s getting rough,
cause there’s no where to hide,
it’s hard just making it by,
but I’m tired of toeing the line.

Feels like a change is gonna come. Feels like a change is gonna come.
Well I hope it comes now,
Well I hope it comes soon,
Well, I think it’s about time I stopped waiting for you.
Well I hope it comes now,
Well I hope it comes soon,
Well, I think it’s about time feels like change is coming.
Well I hope it comes soon.

Step back look at where we’ve ended up this time.
Are you satisfied getting by with just enough
or are you ready to start trying?
Somehow we’ve been making it by,
but I’m tried of toeing the line.
Feels like a change is gonna come. Feels like a change is gonna come.
Well I hope it comes now,
Well I hope it comes soon,
Well, I think it’s about time I stopped waiting for you.
Well I hope it comes now,
Well I hope it comes soon,
Well, I think it’s about time.

Feels like change is coming soon.
Well I hope it comes soon.
I’m not waiting for you.
Feels like a change is gonna come.
Feels like a change is gonna come.
I hope a change is gonna come,
what you gonna do?
I hope it comes soon;
I’m not waiting for you.

It's how late?

2009-12-01T02:19:00.000-06:00

It's past two am. I'm still up and I have to be at work in less than four hours. I did this yesterday too... I will burn out at some point right? Right...
But I'm up all night reading other people's writing and I've realized that I haven't touched my own. There in lies the problem with being a writer... I will eventually have to edit my own work.